notice
by Niere
Summary: It's back, revised, and completed! Heero accidentally overhears Duo say something in a way that catches his attention. Now he is noticing some odd behavior. What's going on with Duo? Let me know what you think?


Series: notice

Chapter 1: Prologue

Author: Niere

Overall Rating: "R" for mature themes, suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behaviors. Not for the impressionable.

Chapter Rating: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: The series Gundam Wing and the characters therein do not belong to me. I'm just putting them in different situations to see how they react.

Chapter Summary: Heero's reactions to what he overhears, some history and introspection.

* * *

It was going to rain, I could smell it in the air. Shifting the bags of groceries to get a better grip on them, I picked up the pace a bit. I didn't relish the thought of getting caught in a downpour.

"Hey, Duo!"

I paused at the call from off to my left. The bushes along this section of the pathway were very dense, effectively cutting off any view of the rest of the park, but they did little to block the sounds. I could clearly make out the laughter of children as they frolicked on the playground I knew was on the other side of the hedge.

I wasn't planning to eavesdrop, I was just surprised. After all, Duo wasn't due home from work for about another twenty minutes or so.

"Hey, Robert."

That was Duo's voice, but it seemed…off somehow. Flat. Not so much that it would be noticed by most people, but I had spent the last few years listening to that voice. I knew it's different inflections and emotions. I'd heard the excitement in the heat of battle, the pain as he made light of his injuries, and the anguish as he told me of his childhood and the loved ones he'd lost.

"I tried to call you at work, but they said you'd called in. You sick or something?"

"Nah. I just needed a mental health day, ya know?"

I frowned as I listened to them laugh at that. The comment had been bright and cheery, yet false. Duo wouldn't lie, but he did hide well. He was a very accomplished actor, with layer upon layer of masks he kept in place for public view. I'd occasionally wondered if I had managed to get through them all. I think I had, but sometimes I wasn't so sure.

"We still on for Saturday?"

Duo had plans? He hadn't mentioned anything.

It's not like he had to ask my permission or anything, we were friends, nothing more. We'd just made a point of keeping each other notified of our where abouts. I guess it was leftover from the war…still watching each other's back.

"I was going to call you about that this evening. I've gotta cancel. Sorry."

Now I was really confused. Did something come up or was he turning this guy down? In all the years I'd known Duo, I'd never known him to turn down a date. Not that he went out that often, but he'd never actually refused before.

In fact, he'd had a date just a few days ago, sort of a 'spur of the moment' thing. Too bad that one totally fell through. Hmm, it seems that none of the people he goes out with last very long. 

I put that thought on a back burner for later.

"Come on, man." My ears perked up. Now **_that_** was an interesting tone of voice. 'Robert', whoever he is, was **_definitely_** coming on to Duo. "My roommate is gonna be gone for the day. You'll enjoy yourself. I promise."

Oh, wow. Go for it Duo. That guy **_wants_** you…badly.

"I know I would. I was looking forward to it."

Ok…where's that rain when you need it? Funny, I hadn't noticed just how hot it was today.

That was one inflection/emotion I **_hadn't_** heard in Duo's voice before. I'd heard excitement, pain, anger, anguish, laughter…but lust? Nope, not that one.

Strange, I'd never really thought about Duo in a sexual manner before now. I knew he was gay, but that didn't bother me. I'm bisexual myself. I can go either way…when I think about it at all.

Hey, I'm a relatively normal, healthy, post-adolescent male. I have urges too. I was just kind of busy is all. By the time I was old enough to **_have_** hormones, I was in training with Dr. J. Could you imagine trying to get laid anywhere near that man? Just the thought of it works better than the coldest of showers, I can assure you. Besides, who do you think explained things to me? Odin Lowe? Right. I was what…five…six? Sex isn't exactly the most appropriate thing to teach to a child. I know…like assassination techniques is? He may have been sick, but he wasn't perverted.

It's not like I'm a virgin or anything. I have Trowa Barton to thank for that. Did you know that sex is a fantastic distraction technique for pain relief? Trowa sure did. I forgave him for saving my life after I self-detonated…real quick, too. Of course that cute little trapeze artist he introduced me to helped, also. Long chestnut hair, soft in all the right places… I can tell you, those circus performers are **_flexible_**!! You're a lucky man, Quatre Winner.

But I digress.

Duo and I met during the war. Sure, I noticed him immediately. It's rather hard to ignore someone who's pointing a gun at you. Shooting me twice isn't exactly a good pick-up line, though. Oh, I noticed him, all right, but 'interested'? Not hardly.

Rescuing me from the Med Center came a bit closer, but not much. I don't' think of sex when I'm in enemy territory and in pain. (Yes, I feel pain. I just usually choose to ignore it.) Besides, I hadn't yet learned what a great pain reliever sex could be.

As the war progressed, Duo and I sort of ended up as partners. We worked well together, complimented each other. We became friends. That fact rather surprised both of us.

We had roomed together for a while after the war ended, before the Dekim Barton Incident. He used to pester me with questions…repetitively. You should have seen the look on his face when I finally answered one. I know I'll never forget it.

That single answer seemed to break a dam between us. I was never known to talk that much. Why should I? No one has ever cared enough to really listen to me. Duo did. People would be surprised at what a good listener Duo "Chatter-box" Maxwell really is. He just doesn't care for silence much. It reminds him too much of death and those he's lost. If someone is talking, he knows they're alive. The dead don't talk anymore.

So, he talks…about anything and everything. What he doesn't talk about is himself, what he's really feeling. He would hint occasionally, but not really say anything. For all his constant talking, Duo can be just as close-mouthed as I am. He just expresses it differently.

It was during our talks that I learned he was gay. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me. I know this. Most guys just aren't comfortable enough with their own sexuality to have a gay roommate. They'd be afraid of the "fag trying something" with them. I wasn't worried for several reasons. One, we had roomed together a lot during the war and seen each other in various states of undress; from formal wear to shower. Nothing had 'happened' yet, so why worry? Two, I myself, being bisexual, wasn't the homophobe he was afraid I'd be if I were straight. And finally, if he ever did try forcing himself on me (which I know he wouldn't, Duo isn't like that) I could always kill him, being the stronger of the two. So, I wasn't worried about Duo trying anything sexual with me. On my part, I'll be honest…I just never thought about it.

I was thinking about it now…most definitely. I had discovered I was "interested" in my best friend, in **_that_** way, and he was "looking forward to" some bedroom gymnastics with Robert.

"But I just can't…not right now, 'k?"

*SCREEECH* Hit the brakes on that train of thought.

Huh? I don't get it. Duo turned him down? He was interested, I **_know_** he was. I could hear it. Robert wanted to, Duo wanted to… Ok, what's wrong with this picture? And why am I hearing pain in Duo's voice where there was only lust a second ago? Something seems seriously wrong here.

"Ok, Duo. I won't push. But if you change your mind…"

"I'll be sure to let you know. Thanks, man."

That's good. At least this Robert isn't going to try to force Duo into doing something he doesn't want to. I would hate to have to hurt him.

"I have to get home. Heero will be expecting me soon."

Oops, that's my cue to leave. I hope Duo makes it home before the rain hits.

I glanced overhead and frowned at the blackened sky. It had only been a few minutes since I'd heard Robert's greeting. How had the rain come up so quickly? I shifted the bags again and hurried forward.

"Heero! Hi." Duo came running up as I passed the entrance to the playground. "Let me help with those." I gratefully relinquished one of the bags I carried. "What'd cha get?"

I couldn't help but smile a bit at his antics. He was trying to dig through the bag as he carried it. "Just some stuff for dinner; spaghetti, sauce, and salad fixings."

"Hey, you got some of those ice cream bars, too. Cool!"

Ok, so I'm a bit of a softie at times. I know how he loves the things. I couldn't resist when I saw them.

We made it home just as the first drops began to fall, Duo chattering the entire way, as usual. 

I listened carefully as he talked, not to what he was saying per se, but as to how he was saying it. I listened to his voice. He can't hide everything. Something is wrong. I can still hear it. I just have to figure out how to get him to tell me what the trouble is. I can't just ask him outright. Then he'd know I was listening to his conversation. The opportunity would come up, I know it will.

I'd learned a few things in that short conversation, about him and about myself and how I felt about him. I had a lot to think about.

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 2: Close Call

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Heero is noticing unusual behaviors.

* * *

It's been three days now, and the opportunity to talk to Duo has not yet arisen. I've been watching him closely. When he knows I'm around, he's basically his usual cheerful self. He makes an effort to be so, I can tell. When he doesn't know I'm there, however, he's different.

For one thing, he's quiet. For Duo, that in itself is a red flag. He's becoming more and more…introspective I guess is how I would put it. Just last night, we were watching a video I know he enjoys. It was a comedy. At least three separate times he totally missed the joke. I didn't point this out to him, but it hurt me to see him just staring at the screen, not really seeing it.

I've been doing a lot of thinking in these few days. Just what **_do_** I feel for Duo? I care for him, surely. He's my best friend. But how much do I care for him? I did discover an 'interest' in him. I have the soiled sheets from dreaming about him to prove that. But is that all I want? His body? 

It's a very nice body, to be sure. I glance at him where he's curled at his end of the couch. He's gained a few inches over the years I've known him. He'll never be as tall as Trowa, but then, who of us will? He's just a bit shorter than I am. He's also still very slim. He won't "bulk up" like most males. He has a malnourished childhood to thank for that. But what there is of him is all muscle. Not an ounce of fat anywhere. Surprising, that. I've seen him eat.

Then there's his face. Sort of heart-shaped features, slightly up-turned nose, large eyes. Those eyes are amazing. They are a violet blue and as expressive as his voice. He may be able to mask how he feels in his voice, but he can't hide his eyes. They tell all. 

His most distinctive feature, other than his eyes, would have to be his hair. It's brown with multi-colored highlights. Depending on the lighting, it ranges anywhere from a light brown to chestnut. To say that it's long would be the understatement of the century. The braid he keeps it in brushes his thighs when he walks. Loose, it hangs just below his knees. There's a story behind that hair. I know, he's told it to me. Now, it's just such a part of him that cutting it would….

"Heero. Earth to Heero. Come in Heero." Duo is staring at me, waving his hand in front of my face.

I reach out and grab the offending hand, halting it's motion. "Stop that."

"You've been staring at me for the last several minutes. Something wrong?"

Please tell me that my face isn't as red as it feels. "I was thinking is all."

"About me?" He settles beside me and lays his head on my shoulder. "Aww, Heero, I didn't know you cared."

That does it. Now I **_know _**my face is flaming. In fact, my entire body is warming up. And not just in embarrassment either. Bits and pieces of my recent dreams are flashing through my head. This isn't good.

Let me rephrase that. The scenes flying through my memory **_are _**good…very, very good. They just aren't appropriate for this particular situation.

"Baka, of course I care. You're my best friend. You know that."

"You're my best friend, too." He snuggles a bit closer. 

Now what? I wanted to talk to him, but I can't seem to think coherently at the moment. He's too close. I can feel the heat radiating from him where he's pressed against my arm. I glance down at him. I can see the top of his head where it's resting on my shoulder. 

Suddenly, he tilts his head up to look at me and I'm drowning in those eyes. I want him…more than I've wanted anyone before.

A small part of me tears itself away and starts yelling at me. //He's your best friend!// 

I already know that. 

//Something is wrong. Remember? You wanted to **_talk_** to him, not **_screw_** him!// 

I can do both. I multi-task well.

My eyes pull themselves away from his and travel down that sweet face to his mouth. His lips look so soft. I wonder how they would taste. Are they as sweet as they are in my dreams?

//Where's Dr. J when you need him?//

That worked.

Now that my brain is functioning again I notice that although Duo hasn't moved, he's a bit stiffer than he was. Just a fraction, but noticeable to me. I look back at his eyes. Those expressive eyes. Before they start to drift closed I can see desire there, or is that wishful thinking? But there is something more. I'm not sure just what, but something I'm not pleased with. It isn't fear…

Resignation??

His yawn causes a welcome distraction.

Gently pushing him away, I reach for the remote and turn off the TV. "We should get some sleep."

"Yeah," he says with a grin. "We should while we can. Tomorrow's gonna be a late night…I hope."

We were meeting with the others after work for a night on the town. Quatre and Trowa were visiting for the weekend and we had been looking forward to visiting with them. We all kept in touch via phone and e-mail, but didn't get many opportunities to spend time together.

"Good night, Duo. I'll lock up."

"Night."

I performed my nightly rituals on automatic, lost in thought. I had been about to kiss Duo. He hadn't seemed averse to the idea. He didn't pull away. But he'd stiffened, however slightly. It hadn't been enough that one would really notice, but I'd been watching for just such a thing. Well, when my hormones weren't in the picture that is. And that resignation in his eyes. I didn't understand **_that _**at all.

I notice his light is still on when I come out of the bathroom. I started to knock, intending to wish him a good night again, when I spotted him through the partially open door. He was sitting on his bed with his gun out. 

He had apparently been cleaning it. This in itself wasn't unusual. I did the same thing frequently enough. But at this time of night?

I stood there, watching him. He paused, the fully assembled weapon in one hand and the clip in the other. He just stared at them. 

After a moment, he shook his head slightly and pointedly put the clip in the drawer of the nightstand before putting the gun back in it's place under his mattress. What had he been thinking while he stared at that lethal collection of metal parts? And why not keep it loaded like we both usually did?

"Hey, Heero. What's up?" He'd noticed me standing there.

"I'm going to get a drink. You want anything?"

"Nah. I'm beat. See you in the morning."  


"Good night, Duo."

I headed for the kitchen, mind whirling. This was starting to scare me. If the opportunity to talk to Duo didn't present itself soon, I would confess I'd overheard his conversation. 

I considered just going to him right now. But what would I say? That I'd seen him cleaning his gun and it scared me? 

I gave myself a mental whack. What was I thinking? That Duo was suicidal or something? 

I'm the one that spent most of the war trying to get myself killed. Not Duo. He was the one that kept us all full of life.

I couldn't help a small snort at the thought of Shinigami, the god of death, being the one to fill us pilots with life. I'd have to remember that one. Duo would get a kick out of it.

Well, he would if he were his normal self, that is. Which right now, he wasn't. What's going on with you Duo? Why won't you talk to me?

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 3: Pieces

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Heero discovers more pieces to the puzzle.

* * *

"Hey Heero," Duo's voice came down the hall, "have we got a dictionary?"

I had to think about that one.

"Never mind, I found it.'

I was a bit surprised. I didn't know that we even had a dictionary. I hurried to finish dressing. I'd been running late due to a glitch in a program that I couldn't leave and it had taken me longer than I'd expected to fix it. Now, it was less than half an hour before we were supposed to meet the others for dinner. 

Duo was fully dressed and sitting on the couch, what I supposed was the dictionary in his hands.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Huh?" He closed the book and tossed it onto the coffee table. "Yeah, I guess." He stood and came around the couch grinning. "It's gonna be great to see the guys again."

I looked at the dictionary for a moment, wondering what he'd been looking up, then shrugged and followed him out the door.

* * *

The other pilots had already been seated when we arrived. They picked on Duo a bit for our tardiness, which he promptly redirected toward me. 

"Don't look at me this time, Heero was the one that made us late." They stared at me in surprise.

"Heero, I'm surprised at you," Quatre chided.

"You should escape while you can," Wufei added with a smirk. "His bad habits are rubbing off on you."

"Hey!" Duo argued, "I'm not always late." He turned towards Trowa. "What about you? Are you gonna get your hooks into me too?"

Trowa just shook his head. "It was probably work related, therefore forgivable."

"Hmmph." Duo said, sliding into a seat. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't like me or something."

Duo's pout didn't last long as the five of us caught up with the current happenings of our lives. Throughout the meal, we talked, joked, laughed, teased, and reminisced just like old soldiers will. Old soldiers. Us. I guess that description fits, even though none of us were any older than our early twenties. It seemed that we had always been older than our years suggested.

After finishing, we continued to a local club Duo and I had found. The DJ played a variety of music which would appeal to all of us. The main attraction, though, was the open-mindedness the club exhibited. It didn't seem to matter if the couples were male/female or same sex. All were welcome, and none were ostracized. This fact was clearly posted at the entranceway where we paid our fee and got our hands stamped. It would obviously be enforced by the rather large men stationed just inside of the inner door. I knew Quatre and Trowa would appreciate this. It would be a welcome change for them to be able to enjoy each other's company without the worry of having to defend their affection.

It was fun. We all danced, switching partners frequently. Even Wufei seemed to enjoy himself after Duo managed to bully him onto the dance floor for a slow dance. Watching them move in time to the music was soothing. They both had such a natural grace to them that they were beautiful to watch.

"Heero," Quatre slid onto the bench then continued around the table to allow room for Trowa to sit also. "What's going on with Duo?"  
  
"Why do you ask?"

"It's just that he was asking me a rather strange question earlier."

"Was he asking for your view on the difference between a slut and a whore?" Trowa inquired. Quatre nodded. "He asked me, also. I wondered at it at the time."

"I'm not sure, but something is going on." I proceeded to tell my friends about my accidental eavesdropping and the behaviors I had observed over the past few days.

"He stiffens when you get close to him?" I nodded at Quatre's question.

Trowa watched where Duo was still dancing with Wufei, to a more upbeat song this time. 

"Has anyone tried to abuse him recently?"

I was shocked at the idea. "He hasn't mentioned anything." I mentally reviewed any and all times I'd recently seen any part of Duo unclothed. "I haven't noticed any bruises. Nor has he been favoring anything." I knew Duo well and would have noticed if he'd been injured, no matter how he'd try to hide it.

"Someone's hurt him," Quatre observed, also watching the dancers. "Although it may not be a physical injury and he hides it well."

"I thought as much," I agreed. "I'm working on finding out just what happened."

Trowa brushed my shoulder with his hand as he put his arm around Quatre. "I wish you luck my friend."

We looked up as Wufei and Duo approached, collapsing onto the seat, Duo next to me and Wufei beside Trowa. 

"That was fun, Wu-man," Duo said, panting slightly from his exertions. "Those sword thingies you were always doing sure have kept you in shape."

"They are called katas, Maxwell, and it's **_Wufei_**, " he growled. "Not Wu-man, or Wu-bear, or any of the many pet names you are always coming up with." He glared over at Duo. "Are you ever going to get my name right?"

"Nope." Duo grinned at him. "Not as long as you keep calling me 'Maxwell'."

Wufei sighed, rolling his eyes. "All right, **_Duo_**."

Duo jumped up and threw his arms around the Chinese man, planting a noisy kiss on his cheek. "Oh, Wufei, you **_do_** love me!"

We cracked up in laughter while Wufei sputtered. "Stop that!" He pushed Duo away, his face flaming. "I'm not like that and you know it!"

"Aw shucks," Duo chuckled, sliding back into his seat, "and here I was hoping I might be your type after all.

Wufei eyed the American thoughtfully for a moment before his expression turned predator. Slowly he slid off the bench and stalked in Duo's direction. "Maybe I will show you a real kiss after all."

Duo's eyes widened and I thought I saw his face pale as he edged across the bench. It was difficult to tell for sure though in the changing lighting of the club. "Hey, Wufei, I was just kidding," he babbled as Wufei rested a knee on the seat and leaned toward him. "I know I'm not your type. It was a joke is all. You do know that, don't you?" Wufei didn't answer. His smile just widened. "I…I…I have to go to the bathroom!" Duo yelped as he slid under the table. He crawled out and all but ran in the direction of the restrooms.

Wufei collapsed on the seat Duo had vacated in laughter. "That was fun."  
  
"Maybe so, but it wasn't very nice," Quatre chided him, trying to suppress his own chuckles.

"Not to mention the timing may have left a lot to be desired," I added.

"What do you mean?"

I explained to him what I'd told the others while he and Duo were dancing. He frowned at the thought of someone causing pain of any kind to his friend. "He hasn't spoken about it to anyone?" he asked, looking around at the three of us with him. Heads shook negatively. He faced me again. "You're the closest one to him. But if there is anything I can do…"  


"I'll let you know. You can be sure of that." I had held a lot inside during the war, not trusting anyone enough to open up to them. With these men, I'd learned to trust…that I could rely on them to back me up. I knew I would do the same for any of them, no matter the situation. None of us would let Duo down. We just had to make sure that **_Duo_** remembered that also. 

I looked in the direction of the restrooms, realizing that he had been gone a rather long time. I nudged Wufei. "I'm going to check on him." He nodded before going back to his original seat, allowing me to exit the booth.

I found Duo as I turned the corner into the hallway where the restrooms were located. He was backed against a wall, hemmed in by an unfamiliar man. Neither of them noticed me immediately. I could see Duo's eyes widen, that resignation I'd seen earlier clear in the brighter lighting of the hallway, before closing. The stranger was leaning toward him, apparently about to kiss him.

I cleared my throat, feeling a bit of malicious pleasure when the stranger started. "There you are. I've been looking for you."

The stranger never moved. "And you would be…?"

I smirked at him. "Heero Yuy, Duo's date for the evening."

The guy turned to stare at me in shock. "**_The _**Heero Yuy? The savior of the world?" he stammered. I cringed internally at the designation as he turned back to Duo.

Duo grinned apologetically at him. "Hey, I tried to tell you."

"If you'll excuse us," I said, moving the unresisting form away from Duo. 

I slipped my arm around Duo's waist and guided him toward the dance floor. Duo stiffened faintly as we started to dance, before relaxing against me. A slow song was playing which allowed us to dance close enough to talk with relative ease. "Who was that?"  
  
Duo tensed again. "Just a guy I went out with once."  


"He seemed to be rather familiar with you for you to have gone out with him a while ago."

The braided head shook slightly. "Not that long ago.

"Oh? How long ago, then?"  
  
I could barely hear the whispered reply. "Last week."

I didn't press further, just held my best friend close as we swayed to the music. My thoughts, however, were whirling frantically, pulling the various pieces into place. Duo had gone out last week with a guy. Once. He'd said that he probably wouldn't see the guy again. Since then, Duo had been acting differently…depressed, with possible thoughts of suicide. He would tense when in close situations, but resignation to them would show in his eyes. Duo had been forced into something. This was the picture that I could see the pieces forming.

"Duo, was that the guy you went out with last week?" A nod. "Did he…" how to phrase this? "Did he do anything to you?"

Duo had been relaxing with the music, but he tensed again at my question. "Like what?"

There was no way to put it except to simply ask. I leaned down to prevent anyone hearing us over the music. "Duo, were you raped?"

I was surprised when he actually snorted slightly. "Never happen. You can't rape the willing, ya know?"

He tried to say that last bit brightly, but I could hear the underlying pain. Maybe I didn't have the correct picture, but I had a feeling that I was close. I stopped our dance and tilted his head up to look into his eyes. "Let's get out of here. We need to talk." 

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 4: Puzzle

Chapter Rating: R

Chapter Summary: Heero finds out what is happening with Duo.

* * *

"Let's get out of here. We need to talk." Duo just nodded meekly as I took his hand and led him back to table. 

As we said our good-byes, Quatre caught my eye. "Keep in touch," he said. I nodded in understanding. I would keep them posted about what I found out.

We made the trip home in silence. Duo just sat and stared out of the window next to him the entire way. 

When we got home, Duo curled up on one end of the couch, knees drawn up and arms wrapped around his legs. I sat at the other. I watched him for a moment. He sat there huddled and miserable. He was acting as if I was about to interrogate him. I wasn't sure where to start until I noticed the dictionary still sitting on the table.

"The guys said that you were asking for their definition of the difference between a slut and a whore." He just nodded. "Can I ask why?"  


"I was just curious," he said, his voice a bit muffled. He had resting his forehead on his knees, hiding his face.

"Is that what you were looking up in the dictionary?" Another nod. "What did you find out?"

"The dictionary version was a slut was an unkempt woman while a whore was someone that slept around or a prostitute. Wufei and Quatre said the same thing that I thought. A slut was someone that slept around and a whore got paid for it. Trowa said something slightly different. He said that a whore always meant someone who would use sex, either the actual act or just flirting and/or appeal, for personal gain, while a slut was more someone who slept around for the heck of it, sort of a nymphomaniac."

This was going nowhere. I thought about all the times that Duo had gotten me to open up. I'd imagine that hardest one for him was after the Dekim Barton Incident. It was hard for me to actually verbalize my fears that I would never be allowed to stop killing. Suddenly, I an idea. "Duo, can I trust you?"

His head shot up and he stared at me in surprise. "Of course you can. You know that."

"If there was something going on, and I needed to talk to someone, I could always come to you, right? No matter how bad it may be?"

"I'll always watch your back, no matter what."

"But that doesn't work the other way? I can't be there for you, when you need me?"

Duo's head dropped again. "You're always so busy. I didn't want to bother you," he said softly.

I moved over to sit next to him. 'Unfolding' him, I draped his legs across my lap and pulled him to rest against my chest, holding him close. I told him about my eavesdropping on his conversation, what I'd observed the past week and my thoughts on what I'd seen. He had no reaction at all, until I'd mentioned seeing him with his gun.

"You were thinking about killing yourself, weren't you?"

He nodded. "I'd thought about it, but decided not to," he said quietly, "not yet anyway."

"You didn't think about what that would do to the rest of us, though did you?" I chided. I was about to continue along the same lines when I felt him shrink into himself. I paused, thinking about all the times I'd attempted the same thing. Of course, I was in a war at the time. But that was just an excuse. I wasn't 'trying' to kill myself, right? Sure, you can believe that. I knew better.

"But you don't always think of that, do you?" I asked him, my voice gentler. "Sometimes all you 'can' think about is the pain, right?"

Duo looked up at me, eyes bright with tears. "Sometimes, all I can think about is making it stop hurting."

"I know, I remember." I pulled him into a tight embrace. "But you aren't alone in this like I was."

"But…"

"No buts. You have me and the rest of the guys watching your back. You've always been there to help us. Let us help you now. Let **_me_** help, if I can. Even if all I can do is listen. Talk to me, Duo, please? Tell me what happened."

It took a few minutes, and several hitching breaths, but Duo started to finally open up.

"I've always sort of thought of myself as a slut, ya know? It's not really something to be proud of, but it didn't bother me, not really. I mean, I've ended up sleeping with almost every guy I've gone out with."

That surprised me. I tried to keep silent, to not judge him, but couldn't. "Why would you do that?"

"You know, I didn't know myself until recently. I just did. Then I think I figured it out." 

I just waited for him to continue.

"I've always done what was 'expected' of me. I was a street rat on L2. It was 'expected' that I would steal to survive. I did. Then I was found by Dr. G. I was 'expected' to fight in the war, and win. I did, that, too." I could feel his grin against my chest. "Ok, so I had help with that one," he conceded. "But I still did what was expected of me. It was the same when I went out. They sort of 'expected' me to sleep with them. It didn't always happen, but mostly. A couple of them just wanted to go out with me, nothing more." He paused again. 

"I guess I'm sort of a pacifist when it comes to me…to my own wants or needs." He made a sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "Move over Relena, here comes Shinigami." 

I smiled at that, remembering the thought I'd had before. I had to tell him. Later. I didn't want to interrupt his train of thought.

"Anyway, like I said, being a slut didn't really bother me that much. But I'd never felt like a whore until last week."

I waited, but the silence continued. "What happened?"

Duo took a deep breath, then sighed. "I guess it really started with Robert. He'd invited me over, strictly for sex. Going out was never mentioned. I was supposed to meet him at 10:10, exactly, and be gone by a quarter of 2. We'd have 'about four hours for our love-making' was how he'd put it. I know it sounds strange, but he had all the right excuses. He told me that he used to be in a relationship with his roommate, but they weren't anymore. The apartment lease was in both names, so he couldn't be thrown out. He wasn't working at the moment, but he was looking, and couldn't afford a place on his own, so he was staying there. He kept emphasizing that he wasn't in a relationship with his roommate anymore. I figured I could handle that. I could understand. I didn't mind him having a roommate. Why should I? I do after all. The specific timing sort of rubbed me the wrong way, but I have to admit, the things he said he wanted to do really turned me on, so I was going to go for it.

"Then I met the guy from the club. We'd talked a bit that day and he asked me out. I thought that since I hadn't been with Robert yet, I would go out with him. I was thinking about 'dating' him and 'sleeping with' Robert. I don't usually do something like that, it's always been only one at a time, but the guys at work kept suggesting that I "play the field" while I could, so I thought I'd give it a try.

"I wasn't planning on having sex that night, I really wasn't. I just thought we'd go out, have a good time, and that would be all. I was wrong.

"It started out ok. We met at the designated location as planned. Then I followed him to his place to "leave my car in a safe place". I thought it was a good idea at the time. Then we took his car to the club. It wasn't bad, for a country place. There was a live band that was pretty good. I didn't know any of the songs, but the music was great. We sat right by the stage, at the bar surrounding a sunken dance floor. The positioning was perfect. I could watch either the band or the dancers. You know how I love to dance, so I kept watching the dancers trying to figure out the steps." He chuckled a bit. "I'll never figure out country dancing. Too many steps to remember. The guy I was with kept his distance while we were there. We danced once, but mostly just sat and listened. After a while he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I admit I was a bit disappointed, ending the date so early, but agreed. As we drove I thought about asking where we were heading to, but didn't. We ended up back at his apartment. I was really disappointed then. I figured I'd done something wrong. Maybe he didn't like me after all.

"But he didn't walk me back to my car, he headed inside. I just followed, not really sure what to expect. Looking back, I guess I should have known, but I didn't at the time.

"Anyway, he poured me a drink then started fiddling with the TV remote. He said that he'd just gotten a new satellite dish and wasn't quite sure yet just how the thing worked. He was perched on a chair at the time. I'd sat on the couch, in the middle to sort of leave things open in case he wanted to snuggle while we watched TV. He finally figured things out and turned the TV to a country station. I figured that I would spend a few minutes being totally bored, then make an excuse to come home. After all, I wasn't expecting anything, right? Neither one of us had made any advances. He'd never touched me, except to dance that once, and I hadn't tried anything. Not that I was aware of, anyway.

"He moved to sit next to me and put his arm around me. We sat there for a minute, just watching the TV. I looked up at him to make my excuses, when he kissed me. I was totally surprised at that. He hadn't even come near me for the past few hours, and now he was kissing me?

"I wasn't sure what to do. He was obviously expecting me to kiss him back, so that's how I reacted. I was just so used to doing what was 'expected' of me after all. I could handle a make-out session. No problem. The next thing I knew, he had me by the hand and was leading me down the hall. Yep, the bedroom. I started to get an idea of what was next.

"Things didn't exactly happen as I thought they would. We didn't end up tumbling onto the bed immediately. No, we stood there next to it, just kissing for a while. I remember thinking that things were more comfortable on the couch, but didn't argue. 

"I worked it out later. I won't argue or fight, just go along. But I won't go back. That's why I said that I probably wouldn't see the guy again. Strange, huh? A Gundam pilot that won't fight back?

"Anyway, we stood there, kissing. Then his hands came into play. They started roaming. He pulled my shirt off, and started sucking on my chest. It felt good, until he started twisting my nipples. That hurt. But he would stop, so again, I didn't argue. Things progressed to what was essentially, a mutual masturbation session. I wasn't really comfortable at all. He was just enough shorter than me that my back started to hurt.

"You could have just left," I pointed out softly.

Duo didn't answer for a long while. I was afraid that he thought I was judging him.

Finally he continued. "I don't know why I didn't. Sure, my body was reacting to what he was doing, but I didn't really **_want _**to be there. What was going through my head and what was coming out of my mouth were two totally different things. I remember him asking me what I wanted. I was thinking I wanted to go home.

"Then I heard a breathless voice say 'you'. It was me. I'm the one that said that."

Duo turned a tear-streaked face toward me. "I don't know why I said that. I **_didn't _**want him. I didn't want to have sex with him. I didn't."

I thought a moment. "Maybe because you knew it was what he wanted to hear," I said quietly.

Duo thought about that for a minute, then nodded. "Maybe so. It was what he 'expected', huh?" 

I just nodded.

Duo settled back against my chest.

"What happened then?"

"We ended up on the bed, continuing with the mutual masturbation. I decided to try giving him a blow job. I enjoy giving them and thought if I could get him off quickly, maybe then I could go home. So I did. He didn't seem to mind.

"I used every trick I knew trying to get him off. I was beginning to wonder if he would ever come when he pulled me off of him and kissed me again. Then he asked me if I was 'clean'. I knew I was, so I automatically said yes.

"The next think I knew, he was slamming into me. I had been so shocked by his question that I'd totally missed him prepping me. He'd done a good job, thankfully, since it didn't hurt. Finally, he came. I guess I did too, or at least he thought I did. I just remember snuggling for a bit after. 

"I remember thinking I just wanted to go home, so I got up and started sorting through the clothing. He just laid there watching me, making jokes about which articles of clothing belonged to whom

"That's when I felt dirty. I had rarely spent the entire night with a guy, but they would at least walk me out, ya know? Say good bye. He did manage to drag himself up enough to throw on a pair of shorts to walk me to the door. From there, I was on my own. I really felt like at least one of us should have been paid for the experience. I just wasn't all that sure which one.

"I couldn't get home fast enough. I was desperate for a shower. I could smell him on me and it was making me sick."

Duo was silent for a time. I just waited him out.

"Since then, it was all I could think about. Life continued, but pretty much on automatic. I still feel dirty. I should have left immediately. I should never have gone with him into his apartment, I know that. But I did. I let him use me. And I still had that sex date with Robert. I was going to do the same thing…again.

"I hated myself for letting that happen. I hated myself even more for even **_thinking _**about allowing it to happen again. I was glad I ran into Robert that day. I was glad that I cancelled that particular experience. Maybe I'm not a **_total_** whore. But now, I'm having a hard time living with being a slut, also. I feel so dirty, Heero. I just want to be clean again."

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 5: Reacting

Chapter Rating: R [A/N: I had a hard time deciding between a PG-13 rating and an R. I went with the R to be on the safe side, since there is nothing in between.]

Chapter Summary: Heero's reactions to Duo's revelations.

* * *

I listened to his story with a variety of emotions, all of which I was careful to keep concealed. I had been incredulous, angry, even disgusted by what I'd heard. How could he have allowed such a thing to happen? I had thought he was better than that. Why didn't he just walk away? He could have at any time and he knew it! 

I had been so worried about him. I'd thought he'd been abused or even raped. Not hardly. I did have to agree with him on one point, he most definitely was a slut. No doubt about it. 

"I feel so dirty, Heero. I just want to be clean again."

That brought my thoughts to a screeching halt. The disdain I felt for him shattered. It wasn't just the words, but the emotions within them. I'd never heard such agony. Duo sound so lost, so…broken. 

None of the five of us had crystal clean pasts. We had all done things that we weren't proud of. Who was I to sit in judgment? I remembered all the times that Duo had listened to me. He'd never shown any sign of blaming me for the horrible things I'd done. There had only been encouragement and acceptance. I'd suspected that he'd done the same for the others, also. That fact had slipped out in conversation a time or two. Never from Duo, though. For all his joking and teasing, he was very good at keeping our confidences to himself. 

Through most of the war, the five of us had worked together as a team. We'd watched each other's backs, stood up for each other. We each did our part. I was the strength, Trowa was the stability, Wufei the conscience, and Quatre the heart. But it was Duo that was the life-force…the soul that kept us all together. In a way, we all leaned on him…and he had supported us without complaint. Now he was the one that needed the support. Quatre had said I was the one that he was closest to. And I was failing him…miserably.

"Duo, why didn't you say something? Why did you let it eat at you like that? Why didn't you talk to one of us?"

He shrank even further into himself. It didn't seem possible, but he did. "I couldn't."

I pulled him into a tighter embrace in an attempt to comfort and encourage him. "Duo, you never have to be afraid to come to one of us. We care about you. Any of us would have listened if you needed us."

Suddenly, he'd pulled away and jumped to his feet.

"Right. I can just see the reactions if I'd told any of you my sordid little tale." He started pacing. "Quatre would have pitied me, then tried to get me 'help'. Wufei would have just simply run me through with that katana of his. Trowa would have listened, true. But he would never have looked at me the same again. Even in your eyes I'm worthless now. I can tell." He stopped pacing and slumped against the wall. "But then, why should I 'expect' any of you to like me? Hell, **_I_** don't even like me."

He words were like a knife, twisting and tearing at my gut. He was right. I **_had_** been judging him. But he was wrong, also. He wasn't 'worthless' in my eyes. Far from it. I looked at his miserable form, huddled against the wall, shaking slightly with silent sobs.

He seemed to think that we would hate him for what he'd allowed to be happen. That we would deem him worthless. I couldn't speak for the others, not really. But **_I _**didn't hate him, and I sure didn't see him as worthless. Right now, he thought of himself that way. I was going to change that…show him just how "worthy" he was. I wasn't exactly sure just **_how_** I was going to accomplish this feat, but I was going to give it my best effort.

I stood, went over to him and pulled him to his feet. Gently, I brushed the tears from his cheeks. I have to admit you were right about one thing. We don't like you." I placed my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look into my eyes. "Duo, we love you. Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, me, we all love you and care about you. None of us want to see you hurting. It hurts us, too, seeing you like this. You aren't 'worthless', you're wonderful, beautiful both inside and out." 

I tilted his head and placed a small kiss on his forehead. Then I scooped him up into my arms, causing him to yelp in surprise.

"Heero, what are you doing?!" he asked as I carried him down the hall. "I can walk you know."

I smirked at him. "I know, but you're exhausted, both from all the dancing you did tonight as well as the emotional upheaval afterwards. I nudged the bathroom light on with my shoulder then gently sat him on the toilet. "You said that you wanted to be clean, so…"  


"That wasn't exactly what I meant."

I turned the water in the bathtub on to start heating, then turned back to him. "I know," I sat on my heels and looked up at him, "and that is going to take time. We **_are _**going to work through this. But for now," I stood and rummaged through the closet, "we are going to start by getting you feeling better physically." 

I knew it was in there somewhere, I just had to remember where I'd stuck it. For my birthday last year, Quatre had given me an aroma therapy kit. I think it was actually meant as a joke, but it would come in handy right now.

"We?" I was gratified to hear the hope in that single word.

There it was! I grabbed the box from under the towels that had hidden it and turned back to Duo. "Yes, **_we_**. We're partners, a team. You've helped me through some very tough times. Now it's my turn to help you."

"I- I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Just relax and let me do this for you."

I reached over and closed the drain on the tub. I opened the bottle I'd removed from the "kit", cursing slightly at the ever present "safety seal", and poured some of the thick purple fluid into the steaming water. The soothing fragrance of lavender began to fill the air.

Duo snorted as I adjusted the temperature. "Bubble bath?"

"Quatre."

"Figures."

Finally satisfied with the water's temperature, I stood. "I'm going to get you something to wear. You wash up and relax for a bit. When you're ready, come into your room. I'll wait for you there." Duo tensed again as I said that last. Understanding what he must have been thinking, I sat on the edge of the tub. "Duo, I'm not going to hurt you. Nor am I planning on taking advantage of you. I think there's been enough of that in your life already, ne?" He nodded slightly. "I'm just going to set up for what I have in mind. You've always helped me in the past. Let me try to help you now. Trust me, please?"

He wouldn't look at me, but he nodded again.

"Good. Now, into the tub."

I left him to his bath and went into his room. I felt strange rummaging through his drawers as I looked for something for him to put on, like I was invading his privacy or something. I was glad, though, that he wasn't there to see how I blushed as I searched through his underwear. The wide variety was simply amazing. I stared in confusion for a moment at one that seemed made up mostly of strings, then shuddered. I don't think I wanted to know. 

Well, not at the moment, anyway. Maybe a bit later….?

Down boy.

I pulled out a plain pair of boxers made of simple cotton and found some sleep pants in a soft flannel. Duo was so thin. I knew that he was frequently cold and I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.

I knocked on the door before reaching my arm in to place the clothing on the counter by the sink. "Are you doing all right in there?" I inquired.

"Mmm hmm."

I smiled at his response. He sounded like he was beginning to relax already. "Don't go to sleep. I'd hate to have to explain to the guys how you'd drowned in your own bathtub." I was gratified at the chuckle my attempt at a joke received.

"Not much of a chance at that. Thing's too short."

I smiled at the comment. "Enjoy then and I'll see you in a bit."

I looked up a short time later from where I was putting the finishing touches on his room. My breath caught for a moment at the vision that hovered in the doorway. He'd washed his hair while in the tub and now it cascaded in damp strands across his bare chest. The sleep pants were just a touch big on him, for they were hanging low on his hips. That combination of bare chest, bare feet and unbound hair made him the most erotic creature I'd ever seen. Oh, gods.

Down boy!!

"Feeling better?" I asked him.

  
"A bit."  


I motioned him toward the bed. "Have a seat," I said, reaching for his brush.

He did as I'd asked, looking around in wonder. Scattered around were candles, their combined flames casting a soft glow and filling the room with fragrance. A slightly larger one was placed underneath a small pan of water. "What's that?" he asked, indicating the vial warming in the water.

"You'll find out."

I sat behind him and gathered his hair so that it flowed down his back. Reaching out, I placed the brush at the top of his head, intending to remove the knots caused by the washing. I was surprised when his hand stopped me.

"Start at the bottom or you'll never get all the tangles out."

I hadn't thought of that. But then, considering the dramatic difference in the length of my own hair, I wouldn't have.

I did as he asked, and started at the bottom. Slowly, I smoothed out the snarls. It wasn't long before I was running the brush in long sweeps down the full length. It was wonderful, so thick, so soft and silky to run my fingers through. 

I was NOT going to take advantage of Duo!! I refused to give in to the desire currently running rampant through my body. Unfortunately, the feel of that glorious hair combined with the small sounds of pleasure coming from Duo's throat were playing havoc with my self-control.

"There, finished." I deliberately reached over and placed the brush on the nightstand. "I don't know how to braid it though."

With a small chuckle, Duo reached up and divided the strands, then began crossing of the three sections in the manner that resulted in that rope he usually sported. I quickly figured out the pattern. It wasn't that difficult after all.

I captured his hands as he pulled the mass over his shoulder to complete the braid. "Let me."

He looked over his shoulder. "You sure?"  


"I think I can manage now. It's not all **_that_** complicated." I completed the procedure then secured it with the covered elastic band that he handed me. "Now, lay down on your stomach and relax," I instructed him.

His glance at me was a bit wary, but he complied.

I removed the vial from the water, pulled out the stopper and poured some of the contents into my hand. Duo was stressed…highly stressed. This fact was made very clear to me during his story. My desire to help him relieve that stress was what had made me think of Quatre's gift. The aroma therapy kit he'd given to me was a collection of the bubble bath, candles, and a massage oil that warmed with friction. The kit itself had been sort of a joke, but the sentiment behind it had been sincere. He'd said that even though he knew I probably would never actually 'use' it, he just couldn't pass up the "Stress Relief" kit. I was currently extremely grateful for the "joke", planning to make full use of the contents.

Vial back in it's pan to keep warm, I rubbed the oil in my hands before beginning to spread it across Duo's back. His skin was as soft as his hair had been, although it was far from flawless. We had been soldiers after all. The war left it's scars on all of us, some just more visible than others.

I started kneading the rock-hard muscles. He had to have been tense for a very long time for his muscles to be knotted as badly as they were.

"Ouch!"

I stopped quickly. "Am I hurting you?"  
  
"Um, yeah," he admitted. "But don't stop. It feels good, too."

Over the next hour, I proceeded to work the seemingly endless amount of kinks out his back and shoulders. The vial of oil had been completely used up, being rather small, after all. The rest of his body would have to wait for another time…after I'd had a chance to find out where Quatre had found his little present.

Duo's hisses and cries of pain in the beginning had completely cooled the desire the sight of him and the feel of his hair had caused. Gradually, the knots released and he had relaxed into a slowly melting puddle. His current small moans and sighs of pleasure, unfortunately, reawakened that desire with a vengeance. I found my hands slowly traveling downward, closer and closer to where the low waistband of his pants exposed his hipbones. I imagined I could see a shadow heralding the beginning of the crevice that led to his entrance to paradise. 

I had finally gotten Duo to relax. He'd already been through so much. I wanted to help him, not take advantage of him in his vulnerability. I had to stop immediately or I would lose what little control I had left.

I moved from where I had been straddling his thighs and laid down next to him. The last of the candles guttered and went out as I pulled the blankets up to cover the both of us. I reached out, gently rolling him over and pulling him into my arms.

"Mmm, that was nice, Heero. Thanks," he said with a sleepy smile. Then he realized the position we were in. He cracked an eye open and looked at me. "You wanna?" It took me a second to figure out what he was offering. "You can if you want."

Oh, gods. 

"Go to sleep, Duo," I told him.

"Oh." He deflated then. Just how he managed that, as relaxed as he already was, I'll never know, but he did. I was confused. What had I done wrong? Then it dawned on me. He thought I didn't want him.

I tilted his head up and glared at him sternly. "Duo Maxwell," I admonished, "don't you dare tense up and ruin all my hard work." I relented as he shrank back a bit. Bending down, I placed a small kiss on his forehead. "I do want you, Duo," I told him, "more than you can imagine." He gasped slightly as I proved this by pressing my now solid erection gently into his thigh. I heard a hiss escape my lips as the intense pleasure of that small contact raced through me.

"But I don't mind," he insisted.

"I **_do_**." I sighed and cuddled him closer. "Duo, doing anything with you right now would make me no better than that guy that took advantage of you. I don't want to do that. I can't. I love you too much to allow such a thing."

Duo gasped and his eyes flew open. "Y- you- you **_love_** me?"

I was shocked by my admission as well. I had gotten much better over the last couple of years with Duo at recognizing and dealing with my own emotions. They had been all but obliterated by the training Dr. J had put me through. But 'love'? That was one emotion I had no understanding of, having absolutely no experience with it.

Then I thought about it. I thought about all the time we had been together, the experiences we had shared. Then I remembered the sight of Duo with his gun in his hand, contemplating the taking of his own life. I tried to imagine a world without Duo Maxwell in it. I tried to imagine my own life without him as a part of it. The bleakness of those thoughts terrified me. I discovered that I couldn't live without this man, my "braided baka". Was this 'love'? I didn't know for sure, but it was close enough for me.

"I hadn't realized it before now, but yes I do. Ai shiteru, Duo. I love you." I lightly ran my thumb along his cheekbone. "Now go to sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."

"'K," he whispered as sleep finally overtook him. "L've you, too."

I smiled as I heard his breathing even out. Smiling. That was something else that Duo had taught me as he helped me to regain my humanity. I still didn't do it very often, but he was usually the cause of it when I did.

The rest of the guys were coming over tomorrow. I knew they would be wondering about Duo. He and I would have to discuss it in the morning to decide just how much to tell them. I didn't think that they needed all the gory details of what had happened. 

I wasn't sure **_I_** needed 'all' the gory details. But Duo had needed to tell them…to allow him to begin to face the demons that plagued him. And I would listen…to as much as he needed to tell. But the others? The essentials would probably be enough.

Should we mention the revelation we had discovered? I know **_I _**didn't mind if we did. I loved Duo, and I trusted them. I wanted to shout it to the world. 

But Duo was vulnerable. It was even possible that what he'd said was more reflexive than heart-felt. After all, he was mostly asleep at the time. I knew he didn't lie. I knew that he loved me. But it may not be in the same way that I'd discovered I loved him. It was very possible that the love he felt was the same that he felt for the other guys.

If that was all, then so be it. I knew I loved him and that was enough for me. I would accept whatever Duo was willing to offer…no more, no less. The only exception would be physical love. He'd had enough of that for a while. I would wait until I was sure that Duo was really ready before embarking on a physical relationship.

Speaking of which… I glanced down at myself. 

Suddenly, Duo shifted in his sleep. His arm slipped over my waist and he tangled his legs with mine. The heat radiating off his form was amazing. We were both shirtless, which meant we were skin to skin from the waist up. The feeling was electrifying. I had to do something quickly or I was going to ravish him in his sleep, resolve or not.

Thinking of Dr. J had worked before. I imagined him just being in the vicinity. No luck. I pictured myself telling him all the things I really wanted to do to Duo. Nothing. It took the mental image of him attempting a sultry strip-tease before I was calmed down enough to get to sleep.

Resisting Duo may not be as easy as I'd imagined.

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 6: Telling

Chapter Rating: PG

Chapter Summary: The rest of the pilots are told Duo's story.

* * *

We slept in. Well, it was late for us, anyway. We were both just so used to being up before dawn to be ready for work on time. It wasn't that it took either of us all that long, we just liked to take our time in the morning. 

The sun was fully up when Duo finally stirred. I had already been awake for a while. Ok, not all **_that _**long, but earlier than him. It was a wonderful feeling, being in someone's arms. The warmth and comfort was something I had never known before. Not to mention the sight of that angelic face, so peaceful in it's repose. That was a sight worth waking up for.

I could tell that Duo was returning from dreamland. His breathing began to lighten from the slow, deep breaths of sleep and his eyes scrunched tight as the sunlight hit his closed lids. I smiled as he tried to burrow deeper into my own warmth. I shifted slightly in order to shade him from the sun's glare. 

He froze at the movement. His breathing immediately returned to that of deep sleep. I watched in amusement as one eye cracked open, ever so slightly. It had been years since the wars had ended, but apparently some habits just couldn't be completely broken. It's not that I blamed him, I had reacted the same way to waking up in an unfamiliar situation. I remembered his mentioning that he had rarely spent the entire night with any of the guys he'd gone out with, so waking up in someone's arms would not be something that he was used to.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," I whispered, not wanting to startle him.

Duo's eyes flew open. "Heero?" The look on his face was priceless. "Hmph," he pouted as my greeting registered. "Sleeping Beauty was a girl."

"Well, you **_were _**sleeping and you are most definitely beautiful," I told him with a grin, "so it fits."

He pondered that for a moment, then grinned back at me. "Ah, but Sleeping Beauty was awakened with a kiss, now wasn't she? I wasn't."

I raised up on an elbow and brushed his bangs away from his face. "I can fix that." Then I kissed him keeping it soft and undemanding. "Are you awake now?" I asked, pulling back.

"Mmm hmm," he said with a dreamy smile. 

We both began to laugh when his stomach growled and mine answered. It wasn't really surprising that we were hungry. We would normally have eaten our breakfast several hours earlier.

"Do you want to shower or cook?"

Duo considered those options. "Cook. I got a bath last night, remember?" I remembered. I could still smell the lavender from the aroma therapy I had used last night. 

"Ok," I agreed, climbing out of bed, "but I don't want a huge breakfast. The guys are coming over later for that pizza bake. Are you still going to make your burrito pizza?"

"Yep. Wufei insists he can't believe I could turn a burrito into a pizza and make it good for you too. I fully intend to prove him wrong."

I paused in the doorway. "Ah, but will they eat it after finding out what's actually **_in _**it?"

"Who cares?" he laughed. "If not, more for me!" I couldn't help but laugh along with him at that comment as I headed for the shower.

* * *

After breakfast, we took our coffee into the living room and curled up together on the couch. I really didn't want to ruin Duo's high spirits, but we needed to talk about what was going to be said to our friends. I pointed out that they cared about him and were worried. We didn't need to replay the entire thing, but they needed to know something. I offered to be the one to explain as he felt that he couldn't. 

"We're in this together, Duo," I reminded him, as I took his cup from his slightly trembling hands and placed it on the table with mine. I then pulled him onto my lap and held him close. "I love you. Remember that. No matter what happens, I'm here. Nothing and no one can change that fact."

His trembling stopped and he perked up. "Are we gonna tell them?"

I had a feeling that the topic of conversation had just changed dramatically. "Tell them…?"

"About us, silly." He drooped slightly. "Unless you don't want to."

I growled softly and flipped Duo onto the couch. He yelped in surprise, then began to giggle as I trapped his hands above his head and started placing playful kisses around his face. "We'll tell them *kiss* anything *kiss* you like. *kiss* I love you, *kiss* and I *kiss* don't care *kiss* who knows it!" With a final kiss to his mouth, I changed my grip to hold both his hands with one of mine and moved the other one down to his ribs. 

I had discovered years ago, totally by accident, that Duo was ticklish. It was a knowledge that I had never exploited…until now. I had read once that tickling could be used as a form of torture. I could see how this could be true. Forced laughter while one was mercilessly tormented would not be a pleasant experience. But in small doses…

"Heero!" Duo yelped as my fingers found his ribs. "Don't!" He began laughing. "Stop!" He shouted as he writhed helplessly.

I stopped immediately, hovering above him. "Anything you want, love. All you have to do is ask."

"Anything?" he drawled, leering at me. 

"Once you have healed a bit and aren't so raw," I said, kissing the end of his nose, "anything."

"And if I wanted to tickle 'you'?"

I grinned at him. "But I'm not ticklish."

"You're sure of that?" 

I suddenly found myself on the floor next to the couch with Duo laying on top of me. I also, to my dismay, found that I had been wrong about my not being ticklish…horribly wrong.

I was saved by a knock at the door.

"Hey, are you all right in there?" I could hear Wufei's voice only faintly over my own helpless laughter.

"Come on in, it's open!" Duo called, finally relenting in his torture.

Yep, I could definitely understand how tickling could be considered a form of torture. I had never been so happy to see the other Gundam pilots as I was at that moment. It was a good thing that Oz hadn't tried this at a time I was captured. I would never have been able to withstand it. Dr. J's training never covered that particular torment.

Our friends burst in the door and stood looking down at us in surprise.

"Are we interrupting anything?" Trowa asked dryly, his one visible eyebrow raised.

"Nope." Duo jumped up. "Heero was just learning that paybacks are hell is all."

"Is this true, Yuy?" Wufei asked, reaching down to give me a hand up.

"Hn."

"You seem to be in a good mood today, Duo," Quatre said as he closed the door.

Duo sobered a bit. "Uh, yeah. Heero and I had a talk last night."

I motioned for them to have a seat, figuring to get this out of the way immediately. Duo made to sit beside me and yelped slightly when I pulled him onto my lap instead. The others raised eyebrows at this, but said nothing.

When everyone was settled, I wrapped my arms around Duo in a loose embrace. "Are you sure you want me to tell it?" I asked him softly. He nodded, his face buried in my chest.

I proceeded to relay the events of the fateful date, leaving out the graphic description. I emphasized the fact that although he hadn't been raped, what happened hadn't been exactly consensual. 

As I explained what he'd told me about his past history, and the 'expectations' of the guys he'd gone out with, Duo curled up tighter, as if trying to hide in shame. I tightened my embrace and rested my cheek on the top of his head. I wanted to convey to him that I wouldn't reject him, regardless of how the others would react.

No one interrupted while I told them. Duo couldn't see their reactions, but I did. No one was rejecting him. There was no condemnation in their expressions, which I was sure Duo was expecting. The only comments came when I described my seeing him with his gun. I had left that part out last night.

Trowa broke their silence. "Why didn't you talk to one of us?"

I explained what he'd told me, how he thought we would react to him.

Wufei seemed hurt by Duo's fears. He came over and knelt in front of us and placed his hand on Duo's leg. 

"Did you really think that I care so little for you? That I would do such a thing to you?"

Duo pressed tighter against me before turning his head to peek at the Chinese man from under his bangs. "You were always ranting at me, picking on me. I wasn't so sure."

"Oh Duo, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it. I was just teasing you. Just like you are always picking on me. I thought you knew that."  


"I kinda did, but it still hurt, ya know?"

"Can you forgive me?"

Duo nodded.

Wufei stood before leaning over to hug him. "I am sorry. I never intended to hurt you."

Duo accepted the hug, sitting up a bit to lay his head on Wufei's shoulder. "I forgive you, Wu." Then he chuckled softly. "But you'd better stop hugging me now. I'm taken you know."

"So I'd noticed." He stood grinning at us. "And such a lovely couple you make, too." His grin subsided. "Take good care of him Heero. He very special you know." 

I looked up at him. "I know."

Quatre had been looking thoughtful through this exchange and spoke up as Wufei returned to his seat. "Duo, you'd mentioned that I would get you 'help'. Would that be such a bad thing? Maybe talking to a professional would do you some good."

"And have everyone find out just how crazy I really am? I don't think so."

"But Duo, we already know how crazy you are," Trowa deadpanned.

Duo looked at him in shock then laughed. "No crazier than you are, my friend. At least I don't **_intentionally _**let people throw knives at me!" Then he sobered again. "No, not you guys, everyone. You know how they tend to lump all of us together. If they found out that I had a problem, it would come back on all of you."

We tried to deny this when Duo cut us off. "Wufei, you work with Zechs in Preventer. How well is he trusted? I mean 'really'?"

Wufei opened his mouth to answer then shut it again, looking thoughtful. Finally, he answered. "It's taking a very long time, but people are just now starting to trust him. They keep mentioning what he did during the war."

"You see? It doesn't matter that he's better now. All they can remember is that he went crazy for a while. If someone gets sick physically, people don't care. The person gets treatment or surgery and people forget it. But if it's a mental or emotional problem… It's like you're cursed for life. I saw it before, back on L2. Crazy Brenda was always 'crazy', even after she supposedly got better."

"But we could get you private help," Quatre argued.

"Yeah, **_private _**until they found out about the gun. Then they would lock me up for sure. For my 'protection' they would say. I'm a Preventer, even if I'm on inactive status at the moment. How would that reflect on the rest of the organization? 'Could any of us really be trusted?' is what the general public would say. The credibility of the entire Preventer force would be compromised. I can't allow that to happen. Besides, it's not like I was really going to **_do_** it, I just thought about it for a minute."

Everyone was silent for a moment, then Quatre spoke up. "I still would rather that you spoke with a professional, but I can understand your reluctance. I do want you to promise me something, however." Duo focused on him. "I want you to promise that if you **_ever_** think of taking your own life again, no matter how fleeting a thought it may be, you'll come to one of us first. Will you promise me that?" 

Duo nodded.

Quatre stared at him, considering, then shook his head. "I'm sorry, Duo, but that isn't good enough. I need to hear you say it. I know you don't lie, so if you actually say the words, then I'll know for sure that you mean it."

Duo sat up straighter. "I promise you," he turned his head to meet the eyes of each of us, "all of you, that I'll talk to one of you before I try to do anything to hurt myself."

Quatre smiled and nodded. "Good enough." His expression turned curious. "So, tell me about this burrito pizza Wufei was ranting about on the way over here."

Duo's laughter rang and the mood was lightened tremendously as the conversation turned to the plans for the evening.

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 7: Calling for Help

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Maybe enough is enough.

* * * 

I was glad that he had agreed to tell his story to the others. Even though I was the one that actually did the telling, he was the one that had suffered the events. I could only imagine how difficult it had been for him, not only to expose such vulnerability in front of the others but also having to essentially relive the experience yet again.

The rest of the evening went well. Duo's outlook lightened tremendously with the absence of the rejection he had been sure he would receive. I think the curiosity the guys had in his mysterious pizza had a lot to do with his improved mood.

Shopping for the required toppings had been surprisingly fun. The five of us stayed together as we searched out the items. The worst of the teasing comments were made when Trowa grabbed a small can of pineapple and Duo selected a bag of carrots. 

Putting the pizzas together was a challenge in itself. The five of us were literally tripping over each other, laughing frequently, as we chopped, sliced, browned, and otherwise prepared our masterpieces. Finally, they were finished. The pizzas were sampled and shared by all. 

The next few days Duo seemed to be back to normal. He would laugh and joke like he always did. Then he started spiraling downward again.

* * *

I was in the kitchen starting dinner when Duo got home from work. I was a bit surprised when he didn't return my called greeting, but didn't really think much of it. He went straight for the shower, which he usually did to wash off the grime from the day's work. It wasn't until dinner was well underway that I realized that he was taking longer than normal.

I looked up as he finally entered the kitchen. There was something about his expression that bothered me. "Duo, you ok?"

"Can I talk to you?"  


"Of course." 

I took the food off the fire and followed him into the living area where Duo was huddled on the couch. I slid in behind him and pulled him back to rest against me. I simply held him as I waited for him to tell me what was on his mind.

Finally, he broke the silence. "I promised Q that I would talk to you."

"What happened?"

"It was stupid. A part I was waiting for was due in. The shipment arrived, but the part wasn't in it. There was a notice that they were sorry, but the part had been on back-order and they couldn't say when it would be available. It was really no big deal, but I got angry. They knew the part wasn't available when they took the order, but they took it anyway. One of the guys offered to order it from another company. That seemed to just make it worse. I snapped at him to go ahead and order the part, then walked out.

"I had to get out of there. I don't know why. It was just a stupid part, but I felt like I was losing it. I ended up with my fists clenched so hard I swear almost drew blood. Somehow that helped. It was a physical pain I could focus on…admit to. Then, I noticed the veins in my arm. The next thing I knew, I was tracing them with my fingers. I imagined tracing those veins with a knife blade. I could almost see the blood running down my arm. I wasn't planning on killing myself, not really. I wasn't even planning to actually hurt myself. But I **_wanted _**to. Oh gods, I wanted to."

I turned him around and pulled him fully into my lap, holding him tightly as he started to cry.

"What's wrong with me, Heero? It was just a stupid part! Why did it bother me so much?"

I rubbed his back soothingly and rocked him, allowing him to cry himself out. I didn't know what else to do for him. I could listen to him and hold him, but it seemed that this was getting to be a bit over my head. 

"I'm scared, Heero," he whispered as his tears ebbed. "I got so angry at first. I just wanted to lash at something…or someone." He raised his tear-streaked face. "Maybe I **_am _**dangerous. 

Maybe I **_should _**let them put me away. If I ever really lost it, I could truly hurt someone."

He could, too, without even trying. We were no longer soldiers, but the reflexes were still there. Any of us could kill using just our bare hands. As Gundam pilots we had all been trained in hand-to-hand combat, both armed and unarmed. It had been necessary during the war, and useful for Preventer, but among the general populace…he could very well become a danger.

I brushed away the tears and pulled him back, holding him tightly. Then I though about what Quatre had said about getting private help. Maybe Duo **_should _**talk to a professional.

I suggested this to Duo. At first he remained against the idea. I pointed out that he could **_try _**going to one, sort of feel out the situation. He didn't have to tell everything, especially not at first. If he tried it, and still felt that the same, then we would have to think of something else.

He finally agreed. Neither of us had any idea of who to go to, but thought Wufei might. Working full-time with Preventer is a highly stressful occupation. We hoped he may know of someone Duo could go to that would understand what he was going through.

Wufei didn't ask for details. If we were seeking professional help, he already knew that the problem Duo was having was probably more serious than any of us would be able to handle. He was anxious to assist in any manner he could. 

In a matter of moments, we had the name and number of a counselor. Wufei told us that this counselor was used by Preventer when needed and was both discreet and trustworthy. Coming from Wufei, this seemed to reassure Duo a bit. He had admitted to needing help, but continued to hold to the fear that he may be deemed 'incompetent' or 'dangerous' and thus reflect poorly on both Preventer and the other ex-Gundam pilots.

Immediately after hanging up with Wufei, Duo placed the call to the counselor. He scheduled an appointment at the earliest available slot. Unfortunately, this wasn't until the following week.

"I swear, the questions they ask are so stupid," he sighed after hanging up. "They actually wanted to know if I was a danger to myself or others. Do you think that if I'd said 'yes' that would get me in faster, or would it just get me committed?"  


I didn't know how to answer that, so I said nothing. It was a week until his appointment. I knew that at the moment, Duo wasn't in any real danger. But who knew what would happen over the next week?

* * *

The majority of the week passed uneventfully. Things started back downhill the Friday before his Monday appointment. Duo had been a bit more reserved than normal when he arrived home from work. When I mentioned it, he stated it was nothing.

"A couple of the guys were going out this evening and asked me to come along is all."

"You could have gone, you know. Why didn't you?"

"I thought about it, but didn't know exactly where the place was, even though they did give me directions. A couple of them said that they would definitely be there. They said that the drinks were good and the music was great. I don't know, though. No one would give me a set time or place to meet. It just seemed too much like going by myself. One of the guys mentioned that the guitarist was fabulous, but a bit crazy. He said he knew him and would introduce me if I wanted, but I should be careful. He made the comment that the guy just wanted to sleep with everyone." His expression turned slightly stricken. "I just couldn't, ya know? It's just too close." His grin returned and he snuggled close. "Besides, I'd rather just stay here with you."

We cuddled together as Duo flipped the channels, finally settling on an old movie. I kept my eyes on the screen, assumedly watching, but in actuality I was lost in thought. I loved Duo whole-heartedly and appreciated his desire to spend his time with me, but his admission tonight bothered me somehow. He had always been so outgoing, always enjoying being around people. Ever since what I was beginning to think of as the "date incident," he was becoming slowly withdrawn, almost secluding himself. I knew I would do anything in my power to help him, but I couldn't help but wonder. Was he becoming **_too _**dependent on me? He had always been so strong and self-assured before this. I knew that his self-esteem had been compromised, but I was beginning to be afraid that what happened may have actually broken him.

Things had been bad enough with Duo's being so quiet on Friday, but Saturday was worse. It seemed that the stress of our trying to deal with whatever was wrong with Duo was quickly taking its toll on both of us.

It started as almost a repeat of the day before. Duo came home quiet and withdrawn. After his shower, though, things seemed better. He would smile and talk, but not like his norm. He never would meet my eyes. I couldn't see just what he was really feeling. I asked him about his day, but he would only admit to it being "a tough day at work." He'd said that there were too many 'emergency' jobs and not enough staff to cover all of them. Unfortunately, this was all to frequent an occurrence on the weekends.

When I tried to get him to open up and talk to me, he would just insist that he was "fine". I didn't believe him, but I also didn't want to start a fight, so I let the matter drop for the time being.

A short time later, I happened to run my fingers along his arm, when I noticed that he winced slightly. Concerned, I pushed the sleeve of his shirt up to see what was wrong. On the inside of his forearm were what appeared to be scratches. It almost looked like his arm had been clawed.

"What happened?"  


Duo looked at his arm. "I just got scratched. No big thing."

"Did you get in a fight?"

"No."  


If he didn't get into a fight, maybe he'd gotten his arm hurt on something. I tried to imagine what of the machinery he worked with could make marks like those. "Did you get your arm caught on something?"

"No! Sheesh, Heero, what's with the third degree? They're just scratches for goodness sake!"

He was hiding something, I could feel it. "How did you get them? Who scratched you?"

Duo became angry and jumped to his feet. "I did," he yelled. "There, are you happy now?"

"You did?" I just looked at him in shock. "Why?" I wanted to help him, but he seemed to be fighting me the entire way. I was becoming frustrated which caused me to become angry also. "Damn it, Duo!" I was also on my feet and yelling. "You promised that you would **_talk _**to me before doing anything!"

"They're **_scratches_**! It's not like I slit my wrists, you know!"

"Yeah, probably because you didn't have a knife handy enough!" 

I regretted those words as soon as they were out of my mouth, afraid that he would become enraged and walk out.

Duo's eyes widened and he paled. "How did you know?" he whispered as he collapsed back onto the couch.

I was suddenly hit with an image of Duo unconscious on the floor in a pool of his own blood. To say that the image scared the shit out of me would be an understatement. 

I slowly sat back down beside him, close but not touching. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, unconsciously mirroring the position Duo was in. "Tell me?"

Duo took a deep breath before beginning. "The day started off badly. There were just too many of them and not enough of us. It only got worse. I finally just couldn't take it any more. I'm not really sure what happened. I was in the parts room and I just sort of lost it. I…came to, I guess…and my fingers were buried in my arm. The pain felt so good, it was scary. Later, I found myself eyeing the equipment…checking it out. I thought about catching my hand in the tire press. It wouldn't do permanent damage, just a couple of broken fingers. It wouldn't take much, just a little 'slip'…"

I thought about the machine he mentioned and shuddered. "You could have lost your hand, you know."

"I know."

I looked up and saw his anguished face. "Maybe I should let them lock me up."

"No." I opened my arms to him and Duo all but fell into them. "You aren't crazy. You just need help is all. Your appointment is the day after tomorrow. We just have to hold out until then."

He gave a mirthless laugh. "Yeah, and then this guy will wave his magic wand and I'll be 'cured'."

"Baka," I snorted. "You know better than that."

"Yeah," he sighed, "I know."

I hugged him. "He may not have all the answers, but he should at least have an idea of where to start."

"I sure hope so."

We sat there, just holding each other, each of us lost in our own thoughts. After a while Duo raised his head and placed a small kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you, Heero."

"For what?"

"For putting up with me and all my shit."

I smiled and hugged him again. "I told you that we would get through this together. I meant that."

Duo's head dropped back down. "I- I don't know what to say. No one has ever stayed with me before. They always leave, or die, or…"

I tilted his head back to gaze into his eyes. "Duo, I don't know what the future will bring, no one does. But I do know that I will do everything in my power to stay with you, always. I love you."

I kissed him softly and his eyes misted before he put his head back in it's place on my chest. After a couple of minutes I heard him giggle.

"So, does this mean that we're married or something?"

I snorted and hugged him yet again. "Baka."

The mood was effectively lightened. I'd said that I didn't know what the future would bring. However, his apparently joking comment opened the door to an entirely new set of possibilities to think about. But first, we had to get through the current crisis.

* * *

Sunday passed quickly, quietly and uneventfully. The day was spent as we always did, with light housecleaning and laundry. The only change in our usual routine was when we headed for bed. Duo was becoming increasingly nervous in anticipation of the upcoming appointment. With him in this condition, there was no way that he would get any rest at all. 

Understanding this, I offered to repeat the aroma and massage therapy that had seemed to help him so well. Duo agreed. Earlier in the week, I had visited a small shop in the local mall which specialized in the aromatic items that I'd had a feeling would be needed again. 

The evening had been enjoyable for both of us. I had planned on giving him a simple massage and then holding him to sleep. However, Duo had slightly other plans. He had allowed me to work the kinks out of his back and shoulders like I had done before, then quickly turned the tables. 

As I finished his back, using long sweeping strokes, Duo suddenly flipped over and sat up.

"Your turn." 

Surprised, I just gaped at him. 

Gently, he pushed me to lay down. "Please, Heero. You've been so good to me lately, let me do this for you?"

How could I resist him? I had always known that he was strong, but that night I learned first-hand just **_how_** strong those hands of his really were. It didn't take him very long to have me totally melted into a puddle. I was so relaxed, I was barely able to turn over so he could spoon up against me for the night.

Monday morning arrived. Breakfast was a rather strained affair with the both of us as tense and nervous as we were. All too soon it was time to leave. Most of the trip was spent in silence, lost in thought.

"How much should I tell him?" Duo asked as we neared our destination.

"I don't know. Only you can decide that. Just tell him what you feel you should at the time."  
  
"Yeah. I guess I'll just play it by ear."

We found the office easily. I pulled into a space and turned off the engine. Neither of us made a move to exit the car.

"We're here."

"I suppose it's too late to change my mind, huh?"  


I reached out and took hold of his hand, holding it tightly. "I'm here with you."

He looked over at me, his eyes wide and frightened. "You'll wait for me…if they lock me up, I mean?"

"I'll be waiting, whatever happens." I stared out of the window, silent for a moment, before glancing over at him. "I'll visit you…if you want me to."  
  
Duo smiled shyly at me. "I'd like that." Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He sat up straighter as he exhaled. With a final squeeze to my hand he reached for the door handle. "I guess we should get this over with, ne?"

I fully understood his fear. Should he tell about the self-destructive thoughts and actions he been having recently? Would doing so get him the help he so obviously needed? Or would it simply get him committed…locked up in the "loony bin"? He **_wasn't_** crazy, I was convinced of that. He was just…confused right now. 

I hoped we were doing the right thing, having him talk to this man. I hoped that whatever Duo said to him wouldn't have him taken away from me. 

We would soon find out.

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 8: Appointment

Chapter Rating: PG

Chapter Summary: A screwed up appointment and its aftermath.

* * * 

We were a bit early for Duo's appointment, which was probably a good thing. I was amazed at the amount of paperwork necessary to start a 'chart'. There was the expected request for vital statistics: name, address, place of employment and the like. There was also a form for his medical history. He snickered a bit as we tried to decide whether the field surgery done during the war should count. 

The statement regarding confidentiality was probably the most gratifying. Duo actually sighed in relief as he read it. It seemed they were not permitted to divulge any information at all without Duo's permission unless there was a court order. No one would know about the problems he was having unless he allowed it.

It was the final form that had the greatest impact. This one asked about why he was there, what he hoped to accomplish, as well as a list of pertinent happenings and concerns for him to circle his choices. 

I had looked over the paperwork briefly before Duo started filling them out, curious as to what was involved. The privacy issue also applied to me. I would know only what Duo chose to tell me. I studied the waiting room, determined not to 'peek. He deserved his privacy. I cared, but didn't want to intrude.

His small gasp, however, caught my attention. His pen was hovered over one of the choices in the 'recent events' section. He seemed to be debating as to whether or not to circle it. I glanced at the form and could see why. 

Rape. 

What had happened that fateful evening was what had driven him over the edge. That term didn't fit…exactly, but …

Duo looked up at me, his expression inquiring. 'Should I or shouldn't I' it was asking.

"It's up to you."

Duo closed his eyes a moment in thought, then circled the choice, placing a question mark next to it. "I can always explain it."

"True."

The required paperwork completed and turned in, it was now a matter of waiting.

The appointment time came and went. We were told that it was very unlike this counselor to be late like that. The receptionist tried calling him to remind him and let him know Duo was there. We found out that while the receptionist had made the appointment, the information hadn't been relayed to the counselor. There was no way he would make it in time.

Duo seemed devastated. He had managed to make it thus far, but now what? There was another slot available at 1:00 pm if Duo could come back. I wasn't sure if we left, that he **_would _**come back. This was hard enough on him. But he agreed to it.

"Now what?" I asked as we climbed back into the car. "We have about four hours to kill. We could get something to eat if you want."

He turned to me, an odd expression on his face. "No. I want to go home."

"All right. If that's what you want." I started the car, a bit disappointed that he was giving up so easily.

Duo took a deep breath, then continued. "Filling out those forms sort of did something to me. On the way here, I was half planning on not really saying anything, just bull-shitting my way through it. But now, I really can't do that. I've already admitted to thinking about hurting myself, and will have to explain the question mark." He placed his hand on my arm. "Heero, if this guy decides that I need to be locked up, then I'm ready. I'm not…afraid anymore. I feel like I have a mission." I glanced at him. "The mission? Get Duo help," he said with a snicker. "Mission accepted, as you used to say." His expression sobered again. "I do want to go home, Heero, but I'm going there to pack my things. I'm want to be prepared, if that's what happens." He gave me a small grin. "Just like in the war, you know? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, ne?"

His words lightened my heart. It seemed that he was no longer letting this thing get him down. Now, he was fighting back. This was more the Duo I knew. 

I smiled back at him. "Let's go get you packed."

* * *

We arrived at the office later that afternoon in a brighter frame of mind. Duo's duffle was already in the trunk, ready in case he wasn't coming home with me. He was as prepared as he could be.

The hour Duo was in with the counselor was one of the longest I had ever spent. I knew that I couldn't be with Duo during the actual session, but the not knowing what was happening was eating at me. That privacy issue be damned. I wanted to know what was happening with Duo!

Finally, he emerged. Things must have gone well because he had a smile on his face and the bounce was back in his step. In no time, another appointment was made for the following week and we were on the way back home.

"So, how was it?"

"Not as bad as I'd thought it would be. The guy is really nice and easy to talk to. I told him everything…about the date and the feelings I've been having." 

Duo became suddenly quiet. I glanced at him then quickly pulled over. 

His face was pale, his eyes wide and panicked. "What did I do?" he whispered. Oh gods, I really did. I told him everything."

Suddenly, I realized what was bothering him. If he had done that during the war…

"Duo," I told him, taking his hand, "the war is over. You didn't **_betray _**anyone."

I watched as my words sank in and the color slowly returned to his features. "I did what I was supposed to, right?"

"You did **_exactly_** what you were supposed to do."

After a minute he calmed down and smiled slightly. "Good thing he wasn't an OZ interrogator, huh? He really knows how to get you to talk. I never would have dreamed that I'd totally spill my guts like that."

"You trusted him."

Duo was silent for a moment, thoughtful. "Yeah, I guess I did. Wufei said I could, and I know I trust his judgment." 

Things were quiet for a bit while Duo digested this. After a few minutes, he continued. "After I spilled my guts for a while, he told me what my options were and we talked about them some. Then he explained what his plan was for my treatment. Oh, and he gave me some homework."

"Homework?"

"Yeah," Duo sighed, "homework. I'm supposed to go over that date in my head and write down everything I was thinking during it. He told to make a list of all the thoughts and beliefs I had during that period of time, no matter how off the wall they are. We're supposed to go over it next week."

"What kind of treatment options did he tell you about?"

"He said that there were three different intensities of treatment: crisis intervention, a residential treatment center, or outpatient therapy."

"Which one are you going to do?"

"The outpatient treatment. It's slower and not as intense as the residential one, but I can make the appointments around my own schedule. No missed work and no having to explain **_why_** I was out of work."

"Good choice." 

He grinned at me. "I thought so."

"So, you won't be needing your stuff after all?"

"Nah. After I told him about you and the guys, he decided I didn't need the crisis intervention. You'd already taken care of that. One thing I do need to do, though."

"What?"

"I need to see Sally Poe."  
  
"What for?"

"He suggested that I get a prescription for an antidepressant. You know how my moods have sort of been going up and down?" I nodded. "Part of the problem could be a chemical imbalance. The medication will help to even things out."

"That will make you feel better, anyway," I agreed. "What about the wanting to hurt yourself? Did you tell him about the scratches?"

"Yeah. Remember when I told you that it was a pain that I could focus on and admit to? He said that it was pretty normal. It happens to a lot of depressed people. He said that some people really can do some major damage to themselves. I told him about you and how you keep such close tabs on me. I also told him about the promise I made you guys the other night, that I'd call before doing anything permanent."  
  
"What did he say to that?"

"He said that he had a good feeling about me, since I had been honest with him. He trusted that I wouldn't do anything without going to someone first." Duo snickered again. "He also said that, after what I told him about you, if I ever did need the crisis intervention that he had a feeling that you would drag me in. Kicking and screaming if necessary."

I considered that. "Hai, I would. So now you have homework to do and we see if the medication helps, right?"

Duo nodded. "I'm not really looking forward to the homework part, though. Writing down what I was thinking will be easy, but the beliefs and assumptions is gonna take some real thought and soul-searching." Suddenly Duo snickered. "Ok, he didn't exactly wave a magic wand, but I do feel better. Ya know, Heero, I think I'm really gonna be ok."

"Like there was really any doubt?"

"For a while there," he said quietly, "yeah, there was."

"Hey," I said, squeezing his hand, "let's go home and get you unpacked."

* * *

Unpacking took almost no time. I was in the kitchen making coffee when I felt warm arms slide around my waist. This was immediately followed by a hard body being pressed against my back and warm, moist breath caressing my neck. I knew exactly who it was. Disregarding the fact that we were the only ones in the apartment, Duo had always been the only one who could ever successfully sneak up on me.

"Unpacked already?"  
  
"Mmm hmm." 

Duo began sucking at a sensitive spot behind my ear. I couldn't help gasping at the electric bolts of pleasure that action caused.

"D-Duo, what are you doing?"  


One hand started tracing circles on my abdomen as that hot mouth slowly started moving down the side of my neck.

I gripped the edge of the counter for balance, my knuckles white with the strain. I'd dreamed of this…recently. If he kept that up, I was going to be dragging Duo back into the bedroom. On second thought, screw the bedroom. Right here in the kitchen would do just as well.

"Saying 'thank you.'"

My eyes flew open as those words sank through the lustful haze that clouded my brain.

"Duo, don't." Gently I removed his hands and turned around. That beautiful face stared at me in hurt confusion. "You don't have to do this."

"I'm sorry." Duo's eyes fell and he turned away. "If you don't want…"

I grabbed him and pulled him back against me. He started slightly I pressed against him, allowing him to feel my erection. "You have no idea how much I want you."

"Then why…?" he asked as he turned back towards me.

"I want you, but I refuse to use you like that. It's still too soon. When you're healed and not…scabbed over, only then will I permit myself to show you, physically, how much I love you. Can you understand that?"

"I suppose so."

"Good." I gave him a quick kiss and a light shove towards the table. "Now, I believe that you have homework to do?"

Duo groaned. "Thanks a lot, Heero. You really know how to spoil a mood, don't you?"

"When I have to," I told him as I started toward the bathroom, thinking a cold shower was definitely in order.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm going to leave you alone so you can think without my interference."

"I still want to thank you for all you're doing for me." 

I paused in the doorway and looked back at him. "Then get well…" I could hear his laughter as I completed the statement. "…**_quick_**!"

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 9: Starting Treatment

Chapter Rating: PG

Chapter Summary: Counseling can work wonders, but can be frightening too.

* * *

I do not believe in magic, there is no such thing. There can't be. Duo was just making a joke when he'd said that the counselor would 'wave his magic wand' and Duo would be 'cured'. I **_knew_** this. Such a thing wasn't possible…was it?

It had only been a single one-hour session, but Duo seemed like he was back to normal. Well, as normal as it is possible for Duo to be. He was smiling and joking again, just like he used to. He was even back to his "innocent" flirting…just like he always did. I was glad to see this return to "normal" behavior, but it was sure playing havoc with my hormones!

"I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so much better, Duo."

I quietly closed the door behind me. Duo was on the phone with Quatre and I didn't want to interrupt. 

"Yeah, well, I'm getting there, anyway. It's not like there's much else to do, ya know?"

"You don't have to stay home all the time, you know. Why don't you go out?"

"Aww, that's so sweet of you, Quat. Won't Trowa mind though? Somehow I can't see him as the sharing kind."

I stifled a smile as I heard Quatre sputter at the blatant innuendo. Yep, that's my Duo, alright. 

"But what about Wufei or Heero? Either of them would go out with you if you wanted them to."

"Wu-man's straight, Quat, you know that."

"And Heero?"

Silence

"Duo…is there something I should know about you and Heero?"  


Damn, I really have to stop eavesdropping like this. It's getting to be a very bad habit.

"Huh? Oh…no…no, nothing like that. Heero's been great. In fact…"

Duo looked up and spotted me hovering in the living room.

"Hey, Q-man. I gotta go. Heero's home. Talk to you later, k?"

"All right. Tell Heero I said hi…"

Anything else Quatre might have to say was cut off as Duo hit the disconnect button and bounced in my direction.

"Duo! That wasn't nic…" 

I suddenly found myself with an armful of braided baka. It was all I could do to keep from being completely knocked over from his enthusiastic hug. As it was, I just managed to keep my balance, albeit staggering a bit.

"You seem to be in a good mood," I said, gently prying him off and taking a seat on the couch. "I take it things went well with Sally?"

"Yeah, it was easy." Duo plopped himself into a seat at the other end. "I just told her what I needed and she wrote out the prescription." His cheeks colored slightly. "Well, she wrote it out **_after_** she made me tell her **_why _**I needed it. I swear, that story gets shorter and shorter every time I tell it." He grinned at me. "Maybe I should have waited a bit to tell it to you. Then you could have gotten the extremely abridged version."

I considered that for a moment. "Maybe, but then you wouldn't have been able to get if all out. You needed that."

Duo looked surprised then thoughtful. "Yeah, I guess I did. Are you sure you're in the right profession? You'd make a pretty good head-shrinker, you know."

I shuddered at the thought of strangers telling me things along the lines of what Duo had. "No thank you. I'll just stick to helping with your problems. Between yours and my own, I think I'll have enough to deal with."

"Yeah, probably. You've been a big help. What would I do without you?"

I pretended to give that careful consideration. "I don't know…" I peaked at him through my bangs, fighting a smirk. "…starve?" 

Duo stared at me, dumbfounded, then growled, playfully. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped as I dodged the pillow he threw. The next thing I knew, he had tackled me. We tumbled over the arm of the couch to the floor, rolling around in a mock-fight. Had it been a real fight, I would have beaten him easily. As it was, we ended up with him straddling my hips and pinning my arms over my head.

"Admit it, I can cook as well as you can."  


"Ok, I admit it. You can follow the directions on the box without any difficulty at all…" I smirked at him. "…most of the time."

He growled again, then paused. The mischievous gleam in his eye made me nervous. With an evil grin, he leaned back on his haunches and raised his hands, curling his fingers and flexing them repeatedly.

Oh shit.

A couple of minutes later I gave in, panting from the laughter and inwardly cursing Dr. J for not adding tickling to the myriad of things I had been conditioned against.

"There, that wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Hn." That was about all the response I was able to make at the moment.

Duo collapsed against me, his head nestled on my chest while I fought to catch my breath. My arm instinctively curled around him. We lay there for several minutes. Finally, my breathing eased and I realized that the floor was not exactly the most comfortable place to be. 

Or rather, it wouldn't be if it hadn't been for the warm body snuggled against me. This was nice…very nice. I think I could get used to this.

Duo's stomach chose that moment to protest. "I guess I shouldn't have skipped lunch," he said with a laugh. He levered himself up, then reached down to give me a hand. Together we went into the kitchen to work on dinner.

While we cooked, Duo told me about his appointment with Sally. "She made me agree to commit to taking the pills for a year." He grimaced. "I hate taking 'anything'."

"But if it helps."

"Yeah, I guess. She said that it takes a while to build up, that I shouldn't really notice a difference for a week or two."

"One dose and you're bouncing all over everywhere and attacking me," I said, managing to keep a straight face. "Gee, what are you going to be like after two weeks of that stuff?" Duo narrowed his eyes and started looking around for something to throw. While his back was turned, I grabbed him, pinning his arms. "Hey, I was just kidding."

I swear he all but melted against me. "Yeah, I know." I loosened my grip and he turned around, wrapping his arms around my neck. He leaned his head forward until our foreheads were touching. "No one's ever gonna believe this, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"Us. I'm totally spilling my guts to a counselor getting my head screwed on straight and you're actually cracking jokes."

"We've come a long way, haven't we?"

"Yeah, we have." Duo pulled back, still making eye contact. "I still have a ways to go yet, though."

"I'll be there to help you through it. You know that."  


"I know." 

Duo started back towards me, eyes slowly closing and his head tilting slightly. My own eyes started to close and my grip around his waist tightened.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I wasn't sure whether to curse that timer or bless it. Either way, it's timing was most definitely impeccable. I had the feeling that if it hadn't gone off at that precise moment, we would have started something that I still wasn't completely sure that Duo was quite ready for.

The mood broken, we separated and continued fixing dinner.

* * *

"Hey, Heero, I'm home!"

I looked up as Duo came in. "How did it go?"

"Ok, I guess…" Duo stood still, staring at me. "Heero," he said slowly, "what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I responded with a grin. I could imagine how strange the situation looked to him. At the moment I was sitting on the floor of the living room a large piece of cardboard in front of me. The board was covered with small, multi-colored, oddly-shaped pieces. I chuckled as Duo rubbed his eyes and stared at me again.

"A puzzle? You're actually putting together a puzzle?"

"Sure, why not?" Duo lowered himself to the floor across from me. "You've got a pretty good eye for detail, care to join me?"  


"I guess," he said. Then he seemed to get over the shock factor and brightened. "Sure, why not?" I handed him the top of the box to show what the picture was supposed to be. We worked together in a comfortable near silence. The only comments were the occasional request for a specific piece that was out of reach.

After about an hour, we had the border completed and several bits of the center put together. Duo sat back. He laced his fingers, raised his arms and stretched, sighing as his back popped. "What on earth ever possessed you to get a puzzle?"

I sat up also, rolling my shoulders to work the kinks out. "I found it when I was digging through the linen closet earlier. Why it was stuck in there I have no idea."

"Where did it come from?"

"You remember that gag gift you got a couple of years ago?"  
  
Duo looked thoughtful, searching his memory. "Oh, yeah. That 'themed' gift exchange. We were supposed to get toys, right?" I could tell that he remembered the incident from the wicked grin that crossed his face. 

"Yes, that one."  
  
"Yeah," he said with a laugh. "I can't believe I forgot that. Wufei ended up with the one I'd brought. You remember the look on his face when he opened it?"

I snickered at the memory. "I didn't know that he **_could_** turn that red. I wonder what he did with it?"

"Hmm." I distrusted that expression. "I'll have to remember to ask him about it." 

"Duo, you wouldn't dare."  
  
"Why not?" He started laughing. "You don't suppose he ever actually **_used _**it do you?"

"Wufei using a vibrator?" I really did not want to picture that. "Somehow I doubt it." I stood and stretched again, then spotted a folder that Duo had dropped on the couch. "What's that?"

"What's what?" I indicated said folder. "Oh, my homework folder. I picked it up on the way home. I wanted someplace to keep the homework I do for the counseling sessions and the notes I take."  
  
"You don't turn the homework in?"

"Nope, he never even looks at it. It's just to help get me thinking and to give me ideas of what to talk about."

"So, things are going ok?"  
  
"So far, anyway." I got a bit concerned when Duo wouldn't meet my eyes. "I should warn you, though. Things may get worse before they get better. At least that's what he told me today."  
  
"What do you mean?" 

Duo still wouldn't meet my gaze. "I just thought you should be aware is all."

"Duo…" I sat next to him and slid an arm around him. "Hey, talk to me."

"I'm just sort of nervous, ya know? I mean, I want to work through this. I really don't want a repeat of what happened…ever. But…" He curled up tighter, then shook himself and sat up, pulling away from me and running his hand through his bangs. "Shit, look at me. I used to face down armies of mobile dolls with hardly a care, and now…" I just waited, giving him the time he needed to organize his thoughts. He rested his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his hands. "Who knows what sort of demons I have hiding in the dark corners, ya know? I'm not so sure I'm all that ready to find out."

"Sort of overwhelming, isn't it?"

Duo looked up at me. "Yeah."

"I know." I scooted back to lean against the couch, head back and staring at the ceiling. "All those years, I was conditioned to repress my emotions. Eventually, they were so locked away they were all but gone, you know." I raised my head to look back at him. "But you wouldn't let them stay hidden. You dragged them back out…" I smirked slightly, "…sometimes kicking and screaming." Duo returned the smirk at that comment. "But you found them again. I still get overwhelmed sometimes. Just by the force of what I feel. Sometimes I'm not sure how… or even **_if_** I can handle them." I reached out to him. He took my hand and I guided him into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled his hair. "But you're always there when it happens, when I feel like that. You always keep me grounded. Let me do that for you." I took one of his hands and interlaced our fingers. "You kept a hold of my hand and brought my emotions back out into the light. Let's use that same light to shine in those dark corners… and I'll hold your hand this time… all the way."

"Why?" he whispered. "I know why I did that for you. No one should have to live like that. But why would you go through something like this for me?"

"Because I love you, remember? You helped me because you loved me, even though you wouldn't admit it. You taught me how to feel again… to love. I want to do this, to help you. I want to **_be there_** for you like you were for me. Going through this is frightening when you're alone, but you don't have to be. I'm here…always."

"But you won't even…"  
  
I silenced that argument with a small kiss. "No. I won't. And it's because I love you that I won't have sex with you yet. Duo, you told me that you'd ended up in bed with almost everyone you'd ever gone out with. I refuse to use you like they did. That's the cause of some of those demons you're so afraid of. Once you've been able to deal with some of that…only then…when you're ready."

Duo tilted his head upwards and whispered in my ear, his voice intentionally husky. "And if I'm ready now?" He proceeded to suck on my earlobe.

I melted slightly at the sensations that small gesture and his voice sent through me. Then I growled and pushed him back, lowering us to the floor. I gave him a hard, if brief kiss. "You're not and you know it." I pulled back and stared down at his smirking face. "You're going to make it as hard as possible, aren't you?"

"Oh, gee, I hope so," he snickered with a wicked grin.

"That wasn't what I meant, and you know it." I rolled off him and sat back up, carefully distancing myself from him.

"I know." He sighed as he sat up also. "I'm just not used to this, you know?"

"Yes I do. But it's about time you were treated with the respect you deserve. You're not a…" I remembered our earlier conversation. "…a sex toy. You're a beautiful, wonderful person. I believe that, and I'm going to do my best to make you believe it also."

"You're too good to me, you know that?"

I grinned and thumped his nose. "I know." Duo made a face at me and stuck out his tongue, making me laugh. "You feel better now?"  
  
"Yeah, I do." He leaned back, resting his weight on his hands. "So, what are we gonna do tonight? TV, watch a video, or work on the puzzle?"

"How about stick in a video while we work on the puzzle? It's sort of relaxing."

"Yeah, it is, isn't it? Cook or take out?"

I considered the contents of the kitchen. "Take out. Neither of us went shopping."  


Duo jumped to his feet. "Great. I'll make the call while you find a movie."

I grinned as I stood. "Ninmu ryoukai."

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 10: Reaction

Chapter Rating: PG

Chapter Summary: Withdrawal symptoms? But Duo doesn't do drugs. Or is he starting to really lose it?

* * *

"Hey, you ok?"

"Huh?" Duo looked up.

"You stopped eating. Something wrong?"  
  
"Nah, just got a little queasy for a minute there." He grinned. "Must be your cooking."

"Maybe." I shrugged. "Except for one thing. You cooked tonight."  
  
Damn, he's gorgeous when he blushes.

"Heh, yeah, I did," he said with a sheepish grin. "Well, that's it then. It's **_my _**cooking that's messed with my stomach." He took another bite. "Can't be all that bad, though. It's gone now."

"Yeah, that had to be it."

It's been three days now since Duo started on the new medication. I haven't really noticed much of a difference, but then, he had seemed pretty much back to normal. It wasn't like Duo, though, to get an upset stomach. If I didn't know better, I'd say the thing was most likely made out of gundanium. I've seen the boy eat. I should know.

The next day I began to get a bit concerned. Duo wasn't inhaling everything like he normally did. 

"What?"

"You sure you're ok?"  
  
"Hmm? Yeah, why?"

"That's only your first helping, and you've been just playing around with that for the last few minutes. That isn't like you. I thought you liked my stir fry."

"I do." He gave up and pushed his plate away. "I don't know. It's weird. I'm hungry…well, sort of, but kind of nauseous too. Not really sick, like I really want to throw up or anything, but just sort of… queasy."

"Did you eat anything that might not have agreed with you?"  
  
"You mean other than your cooking?"  
  
"Cute."

"I am, aren't I?" He grinned at me. "I'm kidding, about the cooking anyway." He thought for a minute. "No, nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it's that new medication. I'll call Sally in the morning and find out, k?"

"Good idea."

The next day went well. Sally told Duo that a side effect of the medication was nausea and that it should subside in a few days once his body got used to it. Not having an empty stomach might help ease the symptoms.

"You heard the lady. I'm under orders to eat."  
  
I laughed at him. "Like that's ever been a problem?"

Duo just growled playfully and headed for the kitchen.

* * *

Sunday was a quiet day, general chores and laundry as per usual. As the afternoon wore on, we were once again working on the puzzle.

"Hey, Heero, hand me that piece, will you? The black one with the blue stripe on it."

I picked up the requested piece and held it in his direction. When he didn't take it immediately, I looked up. Duo was staring at his hand with a confused expression. He was repeatedly opening and closing his fist. 

"What's up?"

"I don't know. I just got the shakes for a minute there. But I'm fine now."

I sat back and looked at him. "Are you sure you're ok?"  


Duo shook his hand a final time then grinned at me. "Yeah, I'm fine. Now, where's my piece?" His grin changed to a leer.

"Baka," I said, laughing at him as I tossed him the requested puzzle piece. 

We resumed working on the puzzle, albeit a bit slower than before. Duo would pause frequently, clenching his fist while I worked with one eye on the pieces and the other on him. After a while, Duo stood.

"Where are you going?"  
  
"Bathroom. You want anything while I'm up?"  
  
"No, I'm fine."  
  
I continued finding mating pieces, unconsciously listening for the flush of the toilet. Eventually, it dawned on me that I wasn't hearing anything. I stood to go look for my roommate.

I found Duo sitting on his bed, his arms across his chest, hands desperately clutching his upper arms. I could see where the fingernails were digging into the skin. His eyes were closed and he was biting his lip, rocking back and forth.

"Duo?" I called quietly.

Duo's eyes flew open. Panic showed clearly in those violet depths. He was visibly trembling.

I sat beside him and gently pried his fingers from his arms.

"I don't know what happened. I can't stop shaking." He leaned forward, clasping his hands between his knees. His grip was so tight his knuckles were white. "What's wrong with me?" His hands separated and he raised them, fisting them beside his head. Slowly, deliberately, he opened and re-clenched his fists several times. He raised his head, then buried his face in his hands. "I just want to start clawing. There's no itching or anything, it's just… I want to… start stripping the skin or something. Damn! I swear I feel like I need a fix or something."

"But you don't do drugs."  
  
"I KNOW!" He stood suddenly and started pacing. "I almost wish I did. That way this feeling would make sense!"

I went up to him and started rubbing his back in slow circles, trying to calm him. "Breathe, Duo. Take deep, cleansing breaths. You're going to be ok. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you."

Duo collapsed against me, shaking like a leaf. "Why is this happening?'

'I don't know."  
  
He chuckled, humorlessly. "You know, a padded cell sure sounds good right now."

I stiffened. "Do you…" My voice cracked so I tried again. "Do you need me to call someone?"

Duo thought about that for a few minutes. Finally, he shook his head, his tremors calming slightly. "No. I'm not going to really do anything. I want to, though." He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. "Gods, I want to." He looked up at me and gave me the worst attempt at a smile I'd ever seen on his face. "But you won't let me, will you?"

I tightened my arms. "No, I won't. I won't let anyone hurt you…not even yourself."

He burrowed into my arms a bit more. "Just hold me, ok? I think I need that."  
  
"Of course." I helped him into his bed and snuggled against him, holding him tightly. "Maybe it's another side effect of the medication. We should call Sally."

"She's out of town this weekend…unavailable."

"What about the counselor. Do you want to call him?"  
  
"No. What could he do? Talk me out of it?" He squirmed closer. "Don't need him anyway. I have you."

"Then we'll call Sally first thing in the morning. If you can't get an appointment, we'll just camp in her office until she can see you."

"That'll work."

We stayed like that the rest of the night. Neither of us bothered to get up to turn off the lights or lock the door. Holding Duo was much more important. He needed it and it seemed to help. Duo had a couple more bouts of uncontrolled shaking before finally dropping off into an exhausted sleep. I kept a vigil as long as I could before dropping into a doze also. The reflexes I'd had all those years ago came back with a vengeance. Every sound or tremor from Duo and I was wide awake, checking on him. It was a long night.

* * *

Getting an appointment was easy. We were told to be there in an hour. Duo started shaking again as we left and shivered the entire trip.

Sally was surprised at the reaction and concerned for Duo. Apparently the medication wasn't working… 

No shit.

No one wanted to admit Duo to a hospital if that could be helped, including Duo. An alternative was tried. He was given a couple of new prescriptions; one for a different anti-depressant and one for something to take for a few days to try to manage the shaking. Neither Sally nor Duo and I were sure if the tremors were being caused by a physical problem or a psychological one. Sally stated that she was sure that the mental status had at least something to do with it. They discussed the counseling sessions, briefly. Duo told her that they seemed to be helping, but he'd only been to two, so it was a bit early to really tell. He was, however, determined to work through whatever this was. We left with the prescriptions and Sally's whole-hearted wish for luck.

On the way home, Duo pulled out his cell-phone and called the counseling office. An appointment was available for first thing in the morning.

"That takes care of the physical end and I'll talk to the counselor in the morning."

"Do you still think you'll need the hospital?"  
  
Duo was silent for a bit. "I don't know. I sort of want to. Just to let the experts take over for a while. But I don't want to be out for that length of time…not really." He sighed. "I'm going to wait and talk to him in the morning. Let him decide. After all, that's his area of expertise, right?"  
  
"Right."

* * *

The medication seemed to help the shaking. The rest of the day went well. He was to take it twice a day for the next couple of days to get him over the 'hump'. Then start the new antidepressant. In the early evening, Duo suddenly stood and headed to the cabinet where we'd stored the "shaking" pills. He said that he was starting to feel like clawing again, so it was probably time for the next dose. Apparently, it was working. He didn't have the shakes anymore that evening.

Duo slept with me that night. He didn't want to be alone and I wanted to be close to him also. Since I hadn't slept well the night before and Duo seemed better, I had no trouble dropping off.

I woke around midnight to an empty bed. Concerned, I rose to go look for Duo. I found him in his own bed. He was staring at his forearm. There was a thin trail of blood going from just below his wrist to almost his elbow. I watched in horror as he pulled his arm to his mouth and licked the trail away. Then he began sucking on his wrist. I ran over and pulled his arm away.

"What are you doing?"

Duo jerked his arm away. He curled into a ball, cradling the arm to his chest. "It wasn't permanent." He looked at the arm briefly before cradling it again. "It's just a small bruise. It'll be gone in a day or two."

"Duo, why? What happened? What did you do?"

Duo barely looked at me before turning to stare into space. "I was just scratching and noticed how the veins popped up. I thought how easy it would be to just…nick one. Not badly, just a little. It was beautiful, you know? So dark a red against such pale skin. I just had to taste it." He looked at what had to be an expression of horror on my face. His own expression turned guilty. "I'm losing it, aren't I?"

"Oh, Duo." I pulled him into my arms and noticed that he was trembling again. "Just hold out a bit longer. We'll see the counselor first thing in the morning, ok? He'll tell us what to do." I tilted his head up to look at me. "Can you manage to wait that long? Or do I need to call tonight?"

"I guess I can wait for morning."  
  
"No more blood?"  
  
"No." I felt a tear drip onto my arm. "I'm scared, Heero. I don't want to die, not really."

"I know. Don't worry. We'll get you the help you need. I promise."

TBC (eventually)

**********************************************************************

Chapter 11: Final Cry

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Something has to be done.

Author's Note: Forgive the shortness of the chapter. POV changes with the next one,.

* * *

I stood as Duo came out from talking with the counselor. He shook his head slightly as our gazes met. Apparently, things did not go as well as he'd hoped. Nether of us said a work until we'd gotten to the car.

"Some experts," Duo said in exasperation as he buried his head in his hands. "I thought he was supposed to fucking **_listen_**."  


"You told him about last night?"

"Yeah. I told him all about what I did and what I was thinking and feeling at the time. You know what he said? That he was proud of me. Proud of me!! Can you believe that shit? Heh, I was sort of proud of me too. I actually drew blood from such a tiny hole."

"Now what?"

Duo just sat there for a couple of minutes. Finally he took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Heero, you've been great, but I'm just too fucked up right now for us to handle."

"You want me to call?" I asked gently.

Duo's head dropped and he sighed. "Yeah. I think you'd better."

It took several phone calls before I found a facility to take Duo to. He was quickly becoming more and more agitated with each unsuccessful call.

"Shit! That's why I never mentioned anything to start with. People just don't **_listen_**! What's it gonna take, huh? If I have to show up at the hospital a fucking bloody mess, then I can do that."

I leapt after him as he turned to leave. I wrapped my arms around him and held him fast. "Duo, no!"

He froze, then started to shudder. "Oh, gods, Heero, I'm sorry." He turned in my arms and clung to me desperately. "You listen. You're the only one that does."

I just held him until his shudders eased and the sobs slowed to hiccoughs, rubbing his back and murmuring soothingly in his ear. Finally, he calmed down enough to be coherent. I tilted his tear-streaked face upwards. "I found someplace. Grab some clothes and let's get you checked in." Duo nodded and went to pack.

The facility looked decent. It wasn't anything fancy, but it wasn't a real dump either. I was able to stay with Duo while he waited in the lobby. All too soon, they called his name and we had to separate. He clung to my hand for a minute, his eyes fearful.

"You'll wait for me?"

I squeezed his hand in response. "Baka, of course I will. I'll visit you as often as they'll let me."

As Duo turned to go, I sent up a prayer to a God I didn't even believe in. "Watch over him and keep him safe. Bring him back to me whole again."

* * *

TBC

A/N: Next chapter Duo takes up the narration.

**********************************************************************

Chapter 12: "Psycho Ward"

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Duo's experiences in the mental hospital.

* * *

Intake was easy. The hardest part was leaving Heero. Admission started with a couple of hours in a locked hallway. Lots of questions were asked: medical history, drug and alcohol history, details of why I came in, a detailed description of my "suicide plan"…things like that. It seemed what took the longest was waiting for the doctors to call back. They had to get orders to admit me and for medications and the like. I could understand that…sort of. I used to wait for "mission orders" too.

From there I was taken back to my unit. Things got a bit embarrassing then…the "skin check". Now I'm not ashamed of my body, far from it. I do have scars, though, what soldier doesn't? Besides, stripping for strangers has never been my idea of fun.

Stripping for Heero on the other hand…. Aaanyway.

While my clothes were off, they searched them. I was glad that for once I wasn't packing, not even my boot knife, I had left it with Heero. I could understand the necessity of not letting me have anything like that, but **_man_** I felt naked without it!

Once I was re-dressed, they went through my stuff, taking inventory and writing it down. I guess they didn't want me to forget anything when I left. They also had to read through the ingredients of everything I'd brought. Bastards kept my conditioner. It seems that there is alcohol in it. What did they think I was going to do…drink it? Yeah, right. With **_this_** hair? Not a chance. I was allowed to check it out when I needed it, or they could "administer" it in those stupid little plastic cups they use for medications. These people really have no clue.

Ok, now I'm all unpacked. The room has two cots with a nightstand next to each one, two dressers, and a desk with a folding chair. Rather sparsely furnished for the size of the room. You could fit at least a couple more people in here, but who asked me? 

Then it's off to meet the rest of the group.

It seems that the patients spend a lot of time in the courtyard. There is only one door in or out that is ever unlocked. There is another door at the end, but it's bolted. Out of habit, I looked around. One good jump and I could get to the roof and out that way if I had to. I probably wouldn't, but it's still nice to know. 

After a few minutes out there, someone stuck their head through the door and called for "Therapeutic Activity" time. Hey, there's a gym with a basketball hoop! Not too bad. Sort of hard to get a game going with only three players, but I could shoot hoops if I wanted to. The rest just sat around a table and goofed off. 

About an hour of that, then it's back outside. Man, these people smoke a lot. From what I gathered from listening to their conversations, most of the others are here for alcohol or drugs, so I guess the smoking fits in with that.

The people here seem nice enough. Everyone is here to get help for one thing or another. No one seems to have a problem discussing why they are here. I had skimmed through the packed of rules I was given during intake and found out that we are allowed to discuss **_our_** problem with anyone we choose, just not supposed to talk about anyone else's problems. Except with them, of course.

The friendliness was really brought to my attention while waiting for time to go to dinner. I was hanging around outside with the group. I was there, but not there, you know? I was leaning on a corner with my back to most of them just staring off into space. I was really down. I had pretty much convinced myself that I had screwed up royally, that coming here was a mistake. How could I have done that to Heero? He tried so hard and put up with so much shit from me. And what did I do? Go off the deep end. I feel like I'm totally out of control.

One of the others noticed me standing there, tears streaming down my face and asked if I was ok. I figured, what the fuck. I was here to get help, why not admit it? So I shook my head.

I have no idea who this person was…just another patient like me, but they talked me down. By the time we left for dinner I was feeling a lot better and thought I might actually be able to eat something. Good thing, too. The food here is pretty decent and there is plenty of it.

The rest of the evening was spent just hanging out and wandering around the unit. A TV had been set up in the group room, but I wasn't interested in what they were watching. I spent a lot of the time hanging in the courtyard with the others. I was in bed my eleven, exhausted. 

Actually, though, going to sleep took a bit longer. The bed squeaked to high heaven and the pillow sucked. I finally threw the thing on the floor and grabbed a pair of jeans. That worked better. I'd considered just sleeping on the floor, but changed my mind when I stuck my hand down and felt it. The carpet was so thin it might as well have been painted onto the concrete. Sleeping on that would have been too much like being back in an OZ cell. The bed sucked, but at least it was a bed.

Sometime during the night, one of the staff noticed I wasn't using a pillow and brought me a softer one. I could have kissed her. Well, maybe not. I did appreciate it though. I actually slept pretty good after that.

* * *

I'm not sure what woke me up the next morning. It was probably either the squeaking springs of my roommate's bed or the sound of the shower being turned on. I was a bit stiff from the hard bed, but then, I'd slept on worse…much worse.

The morning was pretty routine: wash up, hang out in the courtyard. Breakfast was at eight, then free time until group sessions at ten. When they called time for group, I asked at the nurse's desk where I was supposed to go, then followed the directions. It was easy to find since the unit really wasn't all that big. 

The therapist didn't seem all that bad at first. He asked me to tell my story, which I did…in a nutshell and leaving out a lot regarding my training as a pilot and such. I hadn't mentioned that during intake, so I figured that if it was pertinent to why I was here, it would come out later. I was trying to trust this guy, but some things I just don't talk about.

Like I said, he didn't seem all that bad at first…the very first. Then he started talking about some stuff he had written on two boards. It was supposed to be important and if I could "internalize" what was there, I would be able to deal with what my problems were. I started to mistrust him when he mentioned "his book" at least three times in the first ten minutes. He told me to copy what was on the boards so I could study it.

Ok, I could do that. I pulled out my paper and a pen and started to copy, while continuing to listen to the conversations going on around me. Hey, I was a Gundam pilot…I multi-task well.

The next thing I know, this guy is getting all over me about writing during "group". What was being discussed pertained especially to me (even though it wasn't me he was talking to), and I was disrupting the proceedings. Now, how is writing being disruptive? I could understand if I was copying into a laptop. The clicking of the keys can be distracting I know (not to mention **_annoying_**, but I won't go there right now…Heero *grin*). I'm supposed to tell this guy my innermost thoughts and fears? I don't think so. I'd sooner divulge top secret mission plans to OZ officials.

I thought I did rather well, actually. I did not dismember the man right then and there, with my bare hands…as tempting as it was. I know that he'd read my file, but there are some things that weren't in it. My being an ex-Gundam pilot being the most important. Somehow I don't think he would have been as obnoxious if he'd known that I was fully capable of capping him. I spent the rest of the session listening while he tore down half of the others in the group while I imagined what I would **_like_** to do to him. I made sure I kept my eyes on the floor the entire time. I'm sure I would have scared him with the look in my eyes as my thoughts started with "Omae o korosu" (I really have to thank Heero for that one) and proceeded to torture him from there. Heero was always the one to go to for an assassination, but if torture was needed, talk to Shinigami *wicked grin*. I must admit, I sort of enjoyed considering the things I would have liked to do to this guy…had we met a few years earlier, and been on opposite sides.

There was more free time and lunch before we had "group" again. I did a lot of thinking during that time. I had been watching how they did things here, how the medications were handled and how the staff interacted with the patients. I really wasn't impressed. Several of the patients needed things which took the nurses a long time to take care of. Once, one of the girls was having an asthma attack. She really needed her inhaler. The nurses were too busy chatting to pay much attention. They were real good at tracking down everyone to mark their paperwork, but take care of what was really needed? Nope.

This really got me to thinking. On the outside, Heero and I would make sure I took my meds when I was supposed to. I could really talk to my counselor…**_him _**I trusted. I had a medical doctor I trusted to monitor the medications. 

**__**

Why was I here?

I came in so that I could just "let go", let the "experts" take over for a while. Ok, it's been 'a while'. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I never really was. I just sort of needed a break.

Well, I've had my break. I'm feeling a lot more confident of being able to handle things again, especially with Heero helping, which I know he will.

I went to the second group session like I was supposed to (hey, I'm being "good"). The topic of discussion was a continuation from the previous one. The therapist had drawn a picture on the chalkboard. It was a funnel with the word "LIFE" inside. There was an arrow pointing down to the narrow end and several pointing upwards to the words "SPIRITUALITY" and "The Life I Was Meant To Live". He was asking everyone to internalize that picture and tell what it meant to them. Everyone was talking about being "spiritual" and having the jobs that they wanted or were capable of doing.

My version was: The word "life" is the experiences that you have. Now you can 'choose' to perceive these experiences in a negative way which sends you downwards to a very limited amount of options. Or you can choose to perceive them in a positive way which opens you up to a whole new variety of opportunities. As for the 'job', not a problem. I already have one waiting for me when I get out. (I'd already spoken to my boss who was more understanding than I had thought he would be. As far as 'living the life I was meant to live'? I had Heero who loved me. I had Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei who I **_knew_** were friends…close ones. I **_had_** people who cared for me and who would **_listen_** if I needed them to. All I had to do was give myself **_permission_** to do so.)

Some revelation, huh? And I did it all on my own. Not too shabby.

The therapist asked if I would be able to live the life I was meant to live. I told him "yes, I could". He seemed pleased with my response. I could tell because he moved on to the next person.

I spent the rest of the time only half listening this time. I was more focused inwards on the revelations I had figured out. I didn't need to be here. I needed to be with my loved ones. The admission wasn't a total waste, though. I think it served the purpose I came in for. I'd met the goals I had set when I came in. It was now time to go home.

Now, how to do that?

When I was admitted, I was told that since I had signed my self in, I would be able to sign myself out. They could keep me for at least 24 hours, for evaluation and such. Ok, I'd been here that long. How do I get out?

I met the charge nurse as they were changing shifts. She was coming around meeting all the patients. I pulled her aside and asked how I go about signing out. She said that the doctor had to be called and told that I was ready to leave. He would ask why, if I wasn't happy with the care or something like that. Then, when he came in to see me in the morning, he would assess me to make sure I wasn't a danger, and sign me out. She said to get with her in a while to talk things over and she would see about calling him. I agreed.

After dinner, I noticed that things had sort of calmed down at the nurse's desk, so I hung around until the charge nurse noticed me. She asked if I was still interested in signing out. I said yes and told her about my revelation so she could tell the doc. She called him and passed the information on. He seemed ok with it and would talk to me in the morning. Cool. Now, all I have to do is make it through the night. Shouldn't be too bad. Heero is coming to visit.

The visit was great. Well, not as great as it would have been had I been able to get him alone, but nice anyway. I told him about the group sessions and what I'd come up with. It's really ok to talk to him. I 'give myself permission' to talk, to get what's bothering me out. He's more than willing to listen…as are the other guys. I really know that now. Why I never figured it out before, I don't know. Maybe I'm a slow learner? Who cares.

All too soon, Heero had to leave. They don't understand male/male relationships here, so I couldn't hug him, but he understood. I would see him again in the morning…just as soon as the paperwork was completed.

I slept rather well that night.

* * *

The doc came by after breakfast. I told him that I felt 100% better and had no thoughts or intentions of hurting myself or anyone else. He said that he was happy I was better and would sign the release papers. I could be out of there in a couple of hours, once the paperwork was completed. It was all I could do not to make a total fool of myself by shouting for joy.

By 10:30, the paperwork was done, I was packed and one of the staff was escorting me out the door. Heero's smiling face was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Speaking of Heero, he's really been great. No matter what I put him through, he's always there; supporting me, comforting me, and most of all, not taking advantage of me. He was waiting until I was "ready". You know what? After having that eye-opening discovery, I really feel like I **_could _**say 'no'. I'm **_allowed_** to say no. It doesn't matter what the other guy wants, it's what **_I_** want that is important.

Now, what do I want? I want a job that I enjoy…got it. I want a 'life', not just work and home. That I can do. I want…love. Hmm, I already have that. It just took a while for me to really figure it out. 

What do I want?

Heero.

TBC

**********************************************************************

Chapter 13: Homecoming

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Chapter Summary: Ok, Duo is out of the hospital, but is he really better now?

Author's Note: Back to Heero's POV

* * *

I don't think I've ever driven that fast after getting Duo's call. He's coming home!!! He was only in that place for two nights, which has to be some kind of record. But then again, considering what he'd told me when I was there visiting, I can understand his anxiousness to get out.

There he is! I've never seen him so beautiful. His smile is so wide, matching mine I'm sure. I wanted to just run to him, grab him up and hold him. From the look on his face, I could tell that he wanted it too. We didn't though. Same sex pairings, although legal now, are still frowned upon by many people. Neither of us wanted to take any chances. Forcing myself to be calm, I simply took one of his bags of belongings and we walked to the car. There would be time for hugs when we got home.

All during the war, Duo was always the cheerful one. He was always cracking jokes and lifting everyone's spirits. It was very seldom you would see him without a smile on his face…unless he was in the middle of a mission, but that was understandable. He was very focused and professional then.

After that first session with the counselor, he'd seemed 'back to normal'. Now was different somehow. "Normal" wasn't strong enough of a term. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that he was almost floating, or glowing, or something. It's hard to describe, but something has really changed about him, and for the better.

On the way home Duo told me all about his experience in the "psycho ward" as he terms it. A lot of it I had already heard last night, but he filled in the blanks that he wasn't comfortable telling while around the others. I feel sorry for the rest of the patients, having to stay and put up with what I would term as the incompetence of the staff there. I can see why some of them have returned repeatedly.

As soon as the door to our home was securely closed, Duo and I were locked in an embrace. I really didn't quite understand it. We weren't lovers, not yet. It had only been three days, yet they were the longest three days of my entire life. I was having a hard time comprehending just how much I had missed him.

Before our kisses became too heated, Duo pulled back, smiling softly. "It's good to be home."

"I missed you."

"I know. I missed you too."

"So, what do you want to do?"

"Hmm," he grinned at me, "unpack?"  


"Baka," I mock growled, then grinned as I chased a laughing Duo down the hall.

He spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone, something that he had rarely done before. He said he was keeping everyone 'posted' as to what was going on. Duo always hated the phone, so this in itself was unusual.

* * * 

Life with Duo had always been a challenge, his energy and constant chatter could be occasionally very trying. The 'new and improved' version was even more so, but in a much more pleasant manner. The boy seemed to just radiate happiness. The conversations he now held were more meaningful, not the empty chatter from before. I did get concerned when he disappeared for a couple of hours. I knew he was in his room because I could hear his music playing combined with his occasional singing along. I was rather shocked when he finally emerged, a large trash bag in hand. He had actually cleaned that disaster area he called a room! Everything was straight, organized, spotless… It was amazing.

"What?"

"Ok, who are you and what have you done with the Duo I know?"

He dropped the trash bag and hugged me. "Silly, it's still me. I just have all this energy for some reason. I **_have_** to do something with it." He glanced at the bag he'd dropped. "I never knew just what a pack-rat I'd turned out to be. It's amazing how much junk I was holding on to." I glanced into his room and just raised an eyebrow. "Oh, that." He laughed. "I don't know. I just couldn't be bothered before, ya know? It just seemed like too much trouble to keep clean. It was just easier to simply leave things where they fell."

I thought about the condition of the rest of our place. It was a bit cluttered, sort of, but clean… essentially anyway. Somehow, though, I had a feeling that over the next few days things were going to get even cleaner than they were now.

* * *

Friday evening, Duo insisted on going out. He wanted to hear that singer the guys at work had mentioned. I agreed to go with him, sort of as back up in case he couldn't 'handle' being around all those strangers. He assured me that it wasn't necessary, but he would welcome the company.

He had a blast that night, I could tell. The singer was pretty good. Duo was drinking straight soda all night. He told me that he couldn't have anything with alcohol in it due to the medication he was on, but that really didn't make a difference. I just sat back and enjoyed watching him. The place was an open-air tavern and the people seemed nice enough. Everyone there sort of kept to themselves and didn't really bother anyone else. Duo found a spot against the rail near the singer. Occasionally, couples would dance together in the small area in front of the performer. Duo didn't need a partner. He said he was there to listen to the music and dance, and that is what he did. There were very few times that he wasn't in motion, just moving to the music. He didn't "go all out" like I'd seen him do when we'd gone out with the guys before, this wasn't that sort of place. But he did seem to enjoy himself. We stayed until the singer finished, about midnight, then headed home. All in all, it was a very nice evening.

* * *

I finally managed to drag myself home. It had been a hellacious day at work; massive projects all due at once, demanding customers, frequent glitches. It seemed that if anything could possibly go wrong that day, it did. I was looking forward to getting home and just collapsing. I was also curious as to how Duo's appointment with his counselor went, since it was the first one after getting out of the hospital.

There were no lights in the windows when I got home. Duo should be home, his car was there, but the absence of lighting was rather unusual. I got a bit concerned. Had something happened? Did he have a relapse? Quickly, I unlocked the door and went in.

Ok, now I'm confused. The stereo is on, but not playing Duo's usual rock "noise". There was softer music playing. A flickering glow from the kitchen caught my attention, so I headed that way. The kitchen table was set for two, with full place settings and candles burning in the middle of the table. That was the source of the glow I'd seen. No sign of Duo, though.

Suddenly, warm arms slipped around my waist. "Hey, gorgeous, you're late. Bad day?"

"Unbelievably so."

"Dinner is ready. Why don't you grab a quick shower while I serve it up?"

"Good idea. I won't be long."

I turned in Duo's arms and gave him a quick kiss, then headed for the shower. The hot spray did wonders to rejuvenate me. I could have just stood there luxuriating, but I didn't want to keep Duo waiting any longer than he had. It seemed that he'd gone to a bit of trouble for some reason and I was curious as to what he had planned. I finished washing, dried quickly and dressed comfortably in loose sweats and a t-shirt.

Duo was waiting for me in the kitchen. He had made spaghetti for dinner, simple but somehow elegant with how he'd fixed up the table. We talked over dinner easily. I told him about what had happened at work. He'd asked and seemed sincerely interested. He told me about his appointment. He'd told his counselor about his experience at the hospital and what he'd discovered about himself. He'd given himself 'permission' to say no when that was what he wanted. He no longer was going to allow himself to be a "victim". Apparently, the counselor was impressed with the 'new' Duo. His next appointment wasn't for three weeks, just to follow up and make sure that things were still going well.

After we'd finished eating, Duo put the dishes into the sink to soak saying that he would get them later. Then he took me by the hand and led me into the living room. "Dance with me?" he asked. The quiet music was still playing, slow and sweet. How could I resist him?

We started dancing, I had my hands on his hips and he had his around my neck. I was careful to keep space between us, not wanting to take advantage of the situation. Duo allowed this for a short time, but apparently, he had other plans. Before long, he had moved closer, holding me tightly and resting his head on my shoulder.

I was in heaven. The feel of that lean body against mine was a dream come true. At some point during our dancing, Duo had pulled the tie from his hair and the braid was slowly unraveling as he swayed to the music. Then Duo turned his head and started kissing my neck. He worked his way up my jaw until he finally reached my mouth.

The dancing stopped as we stood there kissing. I felt his tongue trace my lips, asking for entrance. I couldn't help but allow it. He was the sweetest thing I had ever tasted. He thoroughly explored my mouth then coaxed me into exploring his. Before long our kisses were getting more and more heated. I had to stop this while I still could.

"Duo," I said, reluctantly pulling back, "no. I refuse to take advantage of you."

"Then don't," he whispered. "Heero, I **_want_** this, I want **_you_**. Make love to me."

"Oh gods, Duo," I held him tightly, "I want to, but…"

"But you still feel like you'd be taking advantage of me." 

I nodded, burying my head against his neck. I just couldn't do that to him after what he'd gone through.

Duo tilted my head up. Cupping my cheek with one hand, he looked into my eyes. "Then would you allow me to make love to you?"

That startled me. In the few sexual encounters I'd experienced, I'd always been seme. Taking the other role had never occurred to me. "Have you ever…?"

Duo just shook his head. "I've always been uke. But I'm pretty sure that I could figure out what to do." He grinned. "What about you? Have you ever been uke?"

I also shook my head. "But I would be honored for you to be my first."

Duo smiled, kissed me gently, and led me to the bedroom. I've had what could be termed 'mind-blowing' sex before, but never as sweet as it was with Duo. He took things slow, it being both my first time and his in our respective roles. He was infinitely careful in making sure I was prepared for him. It was sweet, sensual, wonderful…and maddening. By the time he finally entered me I was begging, something I'd never done before. Afterwards, we cuddled close, completely exhausted and thoroughly sated. 

"Well?"

I smirked. "What, you fishing for complements now?" Duo just growled. "Not too bad…for a beginner."

"What?!" He propped up on an elbow, staring at me in shock.

I laughed and pulled him back down. "I just meant that we'll have to get a lot more practice in, now won't we?"

"Hmm, maybe." He snickered. "But then again, maybe not."

It was my turn to be shocked. I stared down at his grinning face. "Maybe next time I want **_you _**to be seme."

"Oh, so that's how it is."

"Mm hmm." He snuggled close and yawned. "But not tonight. You've totally worn me out."

I smiled and kissed the top of his head, then yawned also. "I know the feeling."

I could feel his smile against my chest. "But there's always tomorrow."

I squeezed him and settled down to sleep. "Many, many more tomorrows. Ai shiteru, Duo."

Duo's voice was quiet and sleepy. "Love you, too, Heero. Forever."

* * *

The End of the story, but the beginning of a lifetime……

Author's Note: I'd like to thank all those wonderful people who have read this and followed me through what has been a very trying time in my life. As I said above, this is the end of my story, but the beginning of my new life. If any of those reading this have ever had similar feelings of hopelessness or that you are a 'victim', please, I beg of you, get the help you so desperately need. Talk to someone, anyone, be it a friend, family member, or a professional. There is someone out there that will **_listen_**. Keep looking until you find them. It took me 24 years before I finally "got my head screwed on straight", but I did. Ok, so I'm a slow learner *grin*. The main thing is, don't give up. You're life is important. God doesn't make junk. 

Love to you all,

Niere/Duo

**********************************************************************

The story behind the story:

The story you have just read is true. The names were changed to protect the author.

The events described by Duo actually happened…to me. The behaviors observed by Heero were what I was feeling at the time. Any and all interaction between Duo and Heero, however, are purely fictional. Unfortunately, I do not have a "Heero" I can talk to like Duo did. 

This story was begun as crisis intervention therapy and originally posted on MediaMiner.org. The comments I received there, although few, were very cheering. I also tried posting this on fanfiction.net, but someone objected and it was removed and I was banned for a week. The comments received through chapter 8 (which is as far as I'd gotten in posting before the objection) really did wonders for my mental status, and I would like to thank all those lovely people.

This story was titled "notice" as a cry for someone to notice the trouble I was having…hopefully before I did something "permanent". I really wasn't quite ready to leave this existence, nor was I prepared to traumatize my 10 year old son by having him come home and finding mommy dead. As a single parent, this was unacceptable, but the pain I was in was horrendous. Thankfully, through medication, counseling, and some personal insight, I am pretty much back to normal…well, as "normal" as I am capable of being *grin*. I am reaching out to people I work with and consider 'friends' and have actually gotten the courage to go out alone. I'm still not dating, though, thanks to being stood up by someone I'd trusted. I haven't totally given up hope. Who knows, maybe my own "Heero" is still out there somewhere.

Thank you all for suffering through my trauma with me (and my sincerest apologies to Duo for inflicting them on him). One lovely reader has offered to archive my story on her web site:  . Check it out and read the wonderful stories there!!

Any comments, flames or no, are appreciated. Please feel free to review here (wherever "here" is) or email me directly at momv3@hotmail.com . I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks again and love to you all,

Niere / Debi / Duo  



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